I don’t want the “husband, house, kids,…” I want my life to be about me!
I have never felt the need to allow anyone to be part of my life. Never felt “incomplete” or in need of someone to rely on and assure me safety. I have taught myself since a very young age that I am my own redeemer at the end of each and every day. I am the center of my own universe. I don’t want an “addition” to my choice of living, I am happy working on my foundation and mission alone, knowing I will make it regardless of all the obstacles and crap pushers. I have lived through anguish of all sorts, but never once did I loose sight of who I truly wanted to become, so I chose to fight. And I shall continue.
Children, when you have any and become a mother you’re life is no longer yours; you sacrifice endlessly everything and anything for their upbringing and wellbeing. It is not optional but obligatory as your role to forfeit. So that is a thought I completely avoid and reject! It is my life, I only get to live it once. Until all my goals are reached and my dreams fulfilled then the thought can cross my mind but for now and the many years to come, I choose to live for myself and myself only! If I were to ever be a mother, there are many children out there in need of a parent. You may see me as selfish but I am never to be held responsible for anyone when I know I am not ready to give him/her my ALL!
Over the past two years, I have worked so hard on changes; both mental and physical. I never believed in second chances, I never had hope in people changing entirely from bad to good. Not until I became that person. I am not saying I was ever “bad” in that sense, we all have our phases. Although I had the millions of “friends” back then, I knew the same feelings day in and out; pessimism, hate, resentment, rage, and a totally closed heart and mind. I refused to ever listen or dare accept, I bossed and bullied others around. I was rebellious with idiocy and without reason. I was a master liar. I played pretend day in and out. I was never grateful for anything or anyone. I was never aware of the days and time passing, all gone to waste. My only concern was to have fun to find that realm between this world and the other without even contemplating it, just laugh it off and then comes the next day. I took many risks, many days were I was out of my body- I still continued to do it. I used my rage making sure others feared me. I loved bringing others down to their knees. Hearing them beg or seeing them run opposite my direction. I never dropped a tear. I was a living dead, hardly breathing, roaming around this earth waiting for the day I can finally runaway from myself. Yes, I was that dim.
I was all of the above for several reasons of course. I refuse to believe some people are just born “bad” in nature. It’s your upbringing and childhood that determines who you become. I had one hell of an “eventful” childhood. Before I was even a child, I was forced to be an adult.
There is good within each and every single one of you. Some are more aware of their mind dominance, ample hearts and profound souls while some need the aid of others to awaken what’s within them, especially those that have lived the “easy” life.
Anyways, don’t know why I had to rewind to the past. Point is we all have our share of torture, troubles, grief, and agony in this world. Some of us tormented in much greater ways than others. But it is what you do with those overwhelmingly devastating feelings that establish who you become. You either build or destroy yourself and those around you.
I have become the person I never thought I could even come close to becoming. At least not so early in my life! Seeing nothing but the good in everyone. Helping and giving without ever asking or taking. I strive to inspire, inform, motivate, and see others smile. I am thankful for everything and everyone in my life each and every morning and night. I no longer have acquaintances. I am so brutally honest. Even my face cannot bear a lie! Nor will my mind let me sleep at night with words left unsaid or a truth untold. The feeling of hate is not one I am even remotely close to feeling. I have no enemies. I get apathetic towards those that live off of bringing me down. Apathy is my only enemy. As for the anger, I am keeping that intact by training like a maniac! When I love I go all out, yes if I love you I would sacrifice everything including my own health and so life. I tried the “in between” but no, I have come to accept who I am, that is either apathetic towards you or I genuinely love you with my all. I do not see a need for those I cannot love to be included in my life. I decide to overlook them.
It all begins with training your mind. The power of positive thinking is obscene! Ensuring your body is healthy is a must too. For a healthy mind only lives in a healthy body. Being able to move is the greatest of all gifts.
When you learn to love oneself it is when you truly learn to love others without expecting return, it becomes a sense of self-relief. You choose to open and accept others and ideas. It doesn’t mean they have to change you or that you need to be sympathetic to understand, it takes practice but you open your soul and mind and you listen. It will only make you grow. You also SEE in others what you CHOOSE to see. If you go out looking for something to talk about, if you ask to see the envy, hate, and wicked qualities in others you will find just that.
For me, I choose to center my life around myself, it is all about me for one reason: I always feel there’s more room for self-improvement. To progress, to move on, to continue to conquer oneself… It is what life is about. I learn each and everyday. I have a long journey of discovery ahead of me!
Love (in the couples sense), a wedding gown, marriage, children, honeymoons all that is ew ew ew in my world lol.
I want to see the world! I want sail the oceans, trek the globe, help those in need, seek the nature and connect, experience different cultures, widen my horizons…just pure freedom..,the true feeling of being alive! I want to push my body beyond its limits, knowing those limits start with my mind I will take my mind to the impossible! I want to continue sharing the pain of others and my happiness with others around the world, bearing their burdens, making them laugh, passing on my thoughts and lending my hands. I am ALONE and HAPPY. And let me tell you I am everything BUT lonely 🙂 So much to do. I have got my whole life ahead of me. If it were not for a few family restrictions caused by mere reputation and the pressure of living in Egypt I would be long out and already living each ambition.
I remember the one thing of any use my mum used to tell me back when I was 15 and clinically depressed. “Why are you going on about death and everything being black and life being useless when you have people out there that have nowhere to sleep, starved, without parents, without homes, without an education…you have it all QUIT the depression. Be thankful for what you have once in your life!” And I used to respond with, “Fuck people starving in Africa…do you think I wasn’t aware people are out there dying, fighting, and starving? I am very aware! That doesn’t help ME does it? Knowing or seeing others that got it way worse than me doesn’t help me. Then it is of no interest to me. If you are going to compare me, compare me to happier people that are living perfect lives! Look above not below! When I’m happy and where I want to be that is OUT of this country I shall be thankful! If I live till then that is!” And there you have it.
Happiness is merely a state of mind determined by you and your choice of thoughts. If the surrounding you are in is negative or not where you wish to be, create your own world in your head! Do not go searching for a feeling you can identify as happiness or keep the thought of “you could be much happier else where” or the questioning of “am I truly happy?” stuck in your heads. Focus on positive thoughts. Feed your minds with love and life. Never let anyone stir or determine your state if mind! Only you should have access to such feelings. Only you should affect whats within your mind. Rely on yourself to make YOU happy!
TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU. NOT JUST WITH YOUR EYES BUT LOOK WITH YOUR SOULS. FREE YOUR SPIRITS. OPEN YOUR MIND’S AND HEART’S. PASS ON THAT POSITIVE ENERGY. MAKE SURE YOU EMBRACE THAT LIGHT DEEP WITHIN YOU AND CHOOSE TO SEE HOPE IN THIS WORLD AND OTHERS. SHARE THAT LIGHT IN YOUR SOUL. CHOOSE TO LOVE. CHOOSE TO CARE. AND IF YOU WANT CHANGE GET OUT THERE AND CHANGE WHAT YOU DO NOT LIKE! OR ELSE, CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT IT!
With this beautiful moon in the sky I will end this rant. Life is free. And this world’s beauty is endless. Get out there and get in action!