Lately, all the married couples I meet model marriages of business arrangements were all ties the spouses are the children and/or a financial benefit or agreement. Some spouses feel “STUCK” in the marriage for their “child(ren)”. Meanwhile blaming their unhappiness on it. I cannot help but wonder, since when was such a beautiful union between two transformed to be a misery of force to rear children? I have not met not one intact marriage for the past few years that has actually been a happy one (let us not mention how popular cheating has gotten). My worry is people think ANYTHING is better than divorce.
Divorce is a life changing decision. It does take big toll on everyone involved in the family and extended families. The first think spouses think of is the impact of divorce on their children without considering the fact that it may just be their approach to divorce, rather than the divorce itself, that destroys the child.
In most scenarios I have witnessed there ends up a parent that seems much more broken and destroyed blaming another as the fiend one who “gave up”, namely the woman in most cases pointing fingers at her man. There is no one to blame when it comes to partners growing apart. It takes two to make a marriage work or fail and you cannot force emotions no matter what you share. Thus, divorce should be done with full consideration of, gradual understanding and explanation, and empathy to the children- not just a one way decision they do not know for what reasons will occur.
Children should not be pressured to chose sides, this is not a war, this is the solution for many cases. I have heard many men and several women tell me, “I am only with him for the children, else wise I would not need him.” Or “I cheat on her because I do not love her, she obviously knows that, but we both cherish our years and I stick through all the misery for the children,” or “I am a living dead. I cannot even talk to my own wife, but it is all for the children.” Really? This sounds as unhealthy as it can get. Majority of women even stay knowing their men disrespect them by not only looking for the physical but some look for love and emotional compensation outside of home and they still stay, why? Well that needs a whole other article, in my eyes I know children are vital bond and it is not easy to change your life completely after all the years with one man, but it takes a true woman of self and esteem to know and believe she deserves and can get better than a man walking all over her. Anyways, back to the divorce topic.
My worry is that people think divorce is the only tragedy and do not take into consideration the effects of children growing up in a broken unhappy home. Even if both partners fake the happiness, children are highly intuitive. They tend to normalize what happens in their parents relationships and grow to model them, parents should definitely wish better for their own children, no? The hardest thing for a child is to witness uncooperative, unloving, clashing parents. For a child to grow in an unhealthy home although both of his/her parents are present under one roof is by far a much worse scenario particularly in future than growing up with two parents that are separated but happy. All a a child wishes is to see his/her parents happy.
The truth is, being divorced does not change the fact you can still be a great mother or father, if not greater with the right person. You do not want your children to grow up thinking conflicting, disappointing, dominating, and mediocre marriages are the norm to follow. They need to aim higher, believe in better and aim for that through YOU, their own parents.
Although divorce is turbulent and deeply wounding at first, it provides a hope for a better vision and future for all that are involved. You see the better days ahead. Instead of remaining in the accustomed apathy of an unhappy marriage, dimmed completely because it is “as bad as it gets” with no better days to look forward to. It becomes absolutely depressing. As a family you all affect one another no matter how you fake happiness. So why do so many resign to such marriages? Why do we stay in marriages that lack intimacy, friendship, passion, or respect?
Many spouses give up and do not even cooperate with their partner to work on bettering their marriage. They become so miserable and distant they fear expressing their emotions even. Yet, the biggest fear of all is that of change, namely divorce. We all know that fear is the greatest impediment in our lives. It stops of from advancing in life in every field. It is essential that you not just address but resolve your fears. Or else there will be no improvement in your relationship. And let me tell you, if you have a bad marriage all else in your life will be black! Your marriage determines your life. Family IS everything. How are your children supposed to grow up to respect their women if they see their own father disrespecting their mother? Or not even bothering with her existence if it weren’t for their presence and duties they feel obliged to fulfill whether or not they want to?
When you think about it, we’re always told it’s okay if you’re mistaken the first time you can retry and you’ll choose and do better the second time. This applies to everything in life, except marriage apparently. And I find it very sad that you can live under a same roof with someone and not really know each other. You can live with someone you fear to speak to. You can live with someone in the same home and room and not be in the same team or share the same sentiments. The spouses feel pressures not just from home but their parents as well and extended family members.. not only them as well, but society. Many people resign to miserable unhealthy marriages only carrying to keep up a picture for display. As if their purpose in life is to please the public.
This why I always advised no rush to marriage. You must wait long enough till you have experienced and loved enough to learn to COMMIT, this is important for men especially. It is much harder to leave a partner than it is to find one, that I assure you.
You should wait. But if you’re already in it and it has been years without any light then you DO deserve another chance of choice to love and live. Of course understanding that love alone is not enough of an indicator to a good relationship. Every human is born with the need to be loved & appreciated. In reality, love finds you, you do not look for it- but be wary, love alone is truly not enough to create a home and build your lifetime with someone. You can love & be loved by a wrong person/match. So don’t be seeking love only, instead look for the RIGHT person. Yes, the feeling’s a must, it makes many pledges & responsibilities much easier to follow.. but ALL feelings are prone to fading. Emotions come &go. Look for character qualities, mutual respect, priorities, & shared values (of self & family) & beliefs. You can LEARN to love. If the chemistry’s present from the start that’s even easier. The more you’re understood, accepted, & feel loved by another the most likely you’ll love him/her. The more similar the values & beliefs you have, the stronger the foundation of your relationship.
To conclude, I simply wanted to remind the masses to quit the settling for the children, you’re not doing yourselves of the children any good. You SHOULD want more than just personal gain and/or children from a true companionship. A marriage is about TWO and no one else. If you don’t think you can find anyone better or have fears of being alone, think of the children before yourselves. I used to always say, do anything for your children once you have them, they go first. But that surely doesn’t mean feeling “stuck” in misery, blaming them for it, and claiming it’s for their own “good”! When you choose to have children, you will forever be the shapers of their lives. In fact, it is the contrary. To give up your own contentment becomes the typical ideal for unhealthy self-sacrifice for your children- who WILL most likely suffer in future through battling their own self-esteem by growing up with parents who betrayed their own self and fulfillment. Happiness is your right and through that you provide them with a healthy home, even if it means the parents are separated! I need to remind many, it is NOT selfish to deserve happiness.
In the end, there truly is no marriage that is worth the loss of self-esteem & the full degradation of your individual identity.