A second question I am constantly asked: “Why do men and women settle in homes without love, companionship, understanding or dignity?”
I’ll keep it straight to the point.
Some men settle and merely stay out of guilt, that is guilt of having been blamed for breaking a woman’s heart or her trying to hurt herself- (personally, I think it is the woman that needs professional help when it reaches that);
or disappointing the children and his own parents and extended families,
or simply they stay out of trying to maintain a reputation! Men care for the title. As long as they keep it they can do whatever else they want when doors are closed and their wives are busy stuck taking care of the kids!
Others stay with their women because they “haven’t hurt them” or “will always forgive them”- that’s a ticket for them to cheat. If a wife lets her man cheat, he’ll keep doing that and yes, he will never leave her. Why should he? He’s getting the best of both worlds! Men can be married and juggle not only their lives but their hearts to another without one ounce of guilt. That is the case especially in emotionally distant men, they don’t feel guilt for to them it is obvious and clear they no longer (that is if ever loved their wives to begin with and weren’t too young when they decided to commit) and their wives settle knowing they’re both in this “for the sake of the children”. And actually, many settle because they have made themselves believe that because they will “never leave them” then they must love them somehow correct? Although they know surely that their men spend their days and nights dreaming of another woman! In all essence, they’re simply fooling themselves. The men think it’s noble, still staying with their wives to sustain a “family” no matter if it’s a wrecked one that is only real on paper or a faked picture to portray and sacrificing their dignity, yet using up another woman as an outlet for his thoughts, heart, and soul to belong.
I think for me the saddest thing was hearing some men tell me they felt lonely and miserable among their own wives and children. They are by no means comfortable or able to be themselves although they’ve been married for over a decade. They go home do their duties as father, sit silently, and escape by trying to sleep early. Some even avoid hours their families are awake.
So yes, with time everything becomes familiar and you can learn to live with someone you would have never thought you could be with. But sadly, that doesn’t mean it becomes familiar in the sense that you live with an open heart, present soul and mind. Many people are just physically present daydreaming elsewhere of another spouse and life!
Not only that, but they have sex with their wives only because it’s their duty to God and not them as their husbands. They’d say, “our only love is God in the end.” And since they’re so emotionally distant they actually have a hard time physically performing, seeing as many men refer to their wives as “sisters” or mere roommates they no longer physically desire.
I also have to add that the notions that men are simply not emotional beings is entirely not true. True that for some it is utterly about sex and status. But I find that rare however, because as men grow older they crave nothing more than true love. In fact, the men that live their lives concerned only about sex and image are ones that haven’t experienced love to begin with. Else wise, they would be seeking it even unconsciously.
Meanwhile, women, unfortunately many settle simply because they know no other way to live. What is known is better than the unknown. Misery and self-hate becomes their comfort zone! Thanks to their already tendency to questioning their value of self. When they do not have a valid and secure self-worth and self-love, they are setting themselves up for failed relationships in future. They don’t see or believe that someone can love them more, or more like, that they can ever be better off alone.
So in all essence, they self-abuse; they don’t take care of themselves, they don’t eat right, they are by no means healthy mentally or physically… to them fighting for a husband that clearly does not love them makes total sense! Since they do not love themselves.
Some women also love the drama. Some even use the fact their husband cheated to finally claim a right to controlling him in the relationship in whatever mean she can, be it threats or the children, although she knew they long grew apart and he was unhappy. She can use his mistake to get him to speak and make life that much harder on him.
The more they compromise themselves and their rights and dignity and stay in relationships of men that do not love and respect them, the more they give away parts of themselves they can never get back. It gets to a point they’d have to do so much work to heal that instead these woman prefer to put all blame on the man and live revengeful as long as not alone. They seek the attention and love they crave in their child(ren).
Another great reason, women that do not work almost always can never break free of toxic marriages and abusive treatments. So they stay for the financial security. It’s great to see women abroad today becoming much more financially independent and able to separate their personal from their professional lives.
FEAR is the biggest obstacle for women. As you may know, I always said fear and love cannot coexist. They have fear that no one else would love them. They have fears of abandonment. They have fears of truly facing their inner worlds and being responsible. They have fears of having to be stronger more positive mothers they already are not and thus cannot imagine becoming when single.
They also are consumed by false belief like “there is a shortage of men around the world.” Muslim’s go as far as saying “that’s why God permitted a man 4 wives” (which he did not at all if you do read the verse completely and carefully). So they have a lot of unhealthy internalized false beliefs imbedded in their unconscious minds.
What’s more, many are simply driven to marry and stay married out of societal desires looking for an applaud. They just want a man to display, to be mothers primarily, and to have a safe home and that is good enough. And they want all this fast before reaching a certain age and then they’d deem themselves along with others as “expired”.
The majority of the in the Middle East and a number abroad as well tend to cling to their first lover husband simply out of the fact they have no other man to compare him to and see him as the one and only. Pretty much every man goes into marriages having experienced being with another woman physically. Women attach themselves stronger than ever after sex. Surely it is powerful and not to be underestimated. A woman can learn to truly love a man after sex. But as for the man, sex can mean NOTHING! It can only be of significance and make his love GROW if it was ALREADY there PRIOR to getting physical!
As I’ve said before this before so I’ll copy paste, it is addressed to women primarily after mentioning the above paragraph: I believe if you want a marriage that is most likely to fail, even if you don’t admit it, then go ahead and marry your first love! Not because he/she is your first that means they must be your last. True love is something you LEARN, it requires experience and wisdom- it’s not simply emotions. For men it’s even harder, you love better with age and experience once you get mere lust out of your system, which to many young guy comes as love in disguise. And for women, you’re not ever ready until you’re fulfilled on your own. That is a journey that requires time, focus, and effort. The person you should be with forever shouldn’t be one that you feel saved you from your OWN self! Know, accept, and love yourself unconditionally first and foremost.
We all have a need for companionship, to feel love and be loved, and emotional and physical support, but being in a relationship/marriage just for the sake of having someone physically near you or to display as your worth and accomplishment isn’t the solution! It’s sad but the truth is everyone today loses themselves in marriages, when marriages are supposed to do the complete opposite! Not only support the true you but help you grow with your own freedom, individually each and as two souls united.
I was always defending women until I saw what they did to the men throughout the years. Wow it was truly shocking. That is when I truly understood the value of self-esteem and self-fulfillment! They destruct others out of their own fears. That includes their own selves!
And guess who pays the price in the end? The children “they stay together for”. I’ll write a piece soon about how their parents relationship formulate their child’s unconscious mind profoundly for the rest of their lives.
A last note to women, as a woman you need to be interesting. And above all, fulfilled. You can’t be selflessly devoted. You must be responsible for your own inner self and life. You must challenge your partner and give them the freedom for you both to grow individually and together as one. And you need to recognize that just because your husband comes home to you that doesn’t mean you know one another or denote intimacy! Okay you’d know each other’s lifestyle preferences but not one’s heart, soul, and character. So no matter how many hours you spend together don’t confuse that for intimacy. A man can be with you physically and totally elsewhere mentally and emotionally. An empty body that sleeps next to you and on the occasions with you! Yes, even if you are the mother of his children- don’t assume that makes him forever yours. Men won’t belong where they don’t want to and/or CAN’T. And if they can sneak behind your backs forever, they’ll choose to do that with a smile and full comfort- rather than going through all the sacrifices and long hauls of divorcing. That is why you MUST know clearly what you deserve and stand for your value, he surely will not be the one setting it for you!
Also, if you’re staying with a man that you know doesn’t love you. Don’t speak. You have no rights since you’ve stripped him from his even as his partner/wife. Get therapy and have some self-respect! Marriage is no ownership of one another by force!