You know what’s more beautiful than falling in love with someone? It’s falling out of love with that same person.
I’m talking about the one person you loved so much and for some reason or the other it couldn’t be, certainly not for a lifetime. Thus, it remains forever bittersweet and hard to kill this hope. Because after all, love is enough- it’s what most marriages today need to recover and survive- then why wasn’t it in your relationship? It can’t be forced either, and yours came naturally mutually, so why why why wasn’t it enough?
I’m talking about the one person who although brought our your best at points also brought out your worst. The one who’s caused you the most tears, ambiguities, and pain although you love him/her dearly still.
I’m talking about the person who’s emotionally unavailable, always full of excuses, or too busy working outside of your home.
I’m taking about the person who possibly betrayed you (thus doesn’t respect you) and may have even been emotionally abusive at points. Yet you still stayed and “loved” him and the passion was still there.
I’m talking about the one person you’d ask yourself and your best friends about “if a love like that can happen twice” or “If the passion can be that on fire just at one touch” or “If you’ll ever have a connection as sheer and genuine without words needed like this one”… all these questions you ask in fear of what you may not be able to experience again in future. And although you may not know it then- or maybe you do and you deny staying in whats known and comfy- you are settling just out of fear.
I’m talking about the one person that even after you broke up “for real this time” whom makes you wonder when they day will come where your mind won’t be consumed by him and your heart and body won’t long to be beside him. At that time of pondering, you think it’s impossible to get over him and what you had.
But here I am to tell you: not only do you get over him, not do you forget his existence, not only do you experience a love as intense and life changing as the previous… but you actually come to realize what you thought was love and the words that mesmerized you then were anything but the truest. You come to experience a love that is so pure, selfless, and unconditional that it can only bring out the best in you, and every day.
Trust me when I tell you, if it hurts, it’s not love. At least not the love that’s healthy for you and you should stay in. When love hurts, let it go. Of course if you’re distant from your partner emotionally and/or they lie or betrayed you- they’re not right for you! You’re killing yourself within to stay with them, a self you can’t even gain back or genuinely smile without from there on!
Just like you fell without control or choice like most and someone was there to catch you or maybe even pursued you till then. This time around, be there to catch yourself when you fall out! Once you take responsibility for yourself; your health and needs, and begin to give yourself that love you wish to receive… once you know your value, raise your standards, and act accordingly; a man will walk into your life.
And not just any man, a man that will make you think of how foolish you were before to settle with this then beloved other that only wanted you hanging for his sake.
When you fall out of love with the wrong person, that’s a good sign. Your self-respect is kicking in and it’s time to do you and love YOURSELF.
You begin to learn that there’s lust and love mixed as a singular profound ride that you need to get on in order to grow as an individual within, learn to detach and let go, and know what you want in relationships and life. And then there are relationships that are built on a love that’s meant to last because it’s mature and healthy, and can even grow into the passionate chemistry as well yet, without it being the air to your relationship.
You will meet men that show you that they just want to give instead of take, that want you free instead of owned, and that solely want is your happiness- and that means never asking you to settle for whatever their excuses are and giving you your rights as equally as there’s.
Suddenly the beloved man from your past that seemed to be the purest, best lover, best friend, and most palpable will appear as a whole other truth; you will see him for the truths he himself couldn’t face. You see, miserable people that are out playing victims of their own lives can only want you living like them. They don’t want to see you leading a better life than theirs, at least not personally. I’m not saying he/she didn’t love you, I bet you they did. But I know many of us are “loved” selfishly without consideration of our hearts, souls, or needs.
I have previously said that you can’t love someone without respecting him/her… that love is respect, and that’s true but only in the case of healthy love that starts with a healthy mature self. But actually, it’s not so black and white. We don’t reach this maturity overnight or for most from the first relationship.
The truth is, you can love someone you do not respect because well, sometimes the heart just wants whom it wants. Sometimes the souls bond without any explanation or control. But above all, respect starts with oneself. many times we love people that are no good for us and do not serve our wellbeing and growth.. this is an indicator of the lack of self-respect, esteem and love we all suffer from as beings unless we address, confront, and work on ourselves. In those instances, love isn’t enough. It never is when you yourself aren’t “enough” in your own eyes.
When you don’t take the time to reflect within, heal your past wounds (starting all the way from childhood), confront your shadows, stay in tune with your heart and surrender to your emotions, take care of your mind, body, and soul,.. and through all that learn to love and honor YOU… you end up victimizing yourself through this life- even if you use other people as means to do so. Your ‘self’ can be your greatest of friend or worst of enemy. Just like any relationship, you get what you invest in it. If you’re running away from you, don’t expect to go find yourself in someone that will fill your voids or make you happy. You’ll end up with someone causing you more pain in future. For if you can’t make yourself whole and happy, no one else can. In either case, it’s not their duty- it’s YOURS.
And the greatest lesson of all was once again I’ll keep saying it: letting go.
If you want goodness and the right healthy love in your life, you’ve got to make space for it and not occupy it with what contradicts it.
You can’t be contained by an unhealthy attachment with the wrong person yet still find a healthy freeing love with another. You can’t have a heart that’s full of darkness and still have room for the light.
For a few years now, I’ve been telling and thus convincing myself that certain rare person’s you can’t change your heart towards them- that is you can’t not love or care for them. I told myself it’s out of one’s hand, you don’t have a choice in loving them. Again, I was very wrong! Especially when you’re someone who loves the idea of love or being in love. It takes time for your heart to change, but meanwhile you give yourself that time, and give time more time.. you need to be telling yourself the correct beliefs to strengthen you. It’s what you tell yourself that matters, not what you felt in your heart without explanation and in unexpected instants. It can take 6 months or a year or two or more depending on how long you’ve been together and your depth of bonding.. but trust me, your mind CAN change your heart. Actually, once you love and take care of yourself, your heart just cleanses from within on it’s own.
Certain people that have no place in your life, be it you don’t want or need them in it for whatever reason that benefits your own wellbeing; there comes a time where you need to release them from your heart and mind as well. We all hang onto worn-out toxic relationships out of comfort or fear or simply that we feel that person has become a part of us and we want to keep a link to a past story and old love- but yes, it’s not only necessary to let go of them in our outer life, but also our inner selves. It’s the only way to unpack our baggage from the past and to be open to new nurturing relationships.
I took the decision a while ago, the people that don’t make the place and put the effort to be part of my life do not have room in my heart. This whole “love from a distance,” “forever in your heart, but not your life..” it’s all bullshit we feed our minds. I realized so many are just in love with the idea of love and making it last forever, not necessarily the person. Heck, I was!
Stop feeding the emotions that’ll take you nowhere with someone, even if it’s love. Keep it at it’s degree of feeling but don’t focus on it. You don’t need to be IN love with a person to just love them and live your life without them crossing your mind.
Now where I’m at is: my hearts reserved for those that matter enough to be in my life. Not only that but, the people that when I love them, I can still keep myself and honor ME. Those that don’t think that because they “love” me they can possess me for their sake. I’m mine and mine only. Likewise with the rest that do me no good or affect my integrity and true self, it’s goodbye not farewell.
Life’s too short for toxicity and someone stealing your happiness and so well-being- don’t tell yourself that’s “love”! It’s anything but that.
And really, it all boils down to: self-love. Love yourself first, love another second. Give all your love to you, and share a part of it with another. You’ll find that you’ll never need those that take you for granted or don’t need you as equally in this short life.
The fact is, if you free yourself from the person you cling to so tightly no matter the pain he/she causes you, you are free for the right one to find you and shower you in the love you deserve. As my girl friends always told me, “Sorry for you to hear this, and it’s not in the rebounding sense; but the only way to truly get over an Ex is meet another man.” So cut all chords for good, go cold turkey, work on yourself and be available. I guarantee you a man of quality will walk into your life. And you’ll look back and realize your Ex was so unworthy of your greatness, heart, soul, body or just thoughts even. It can only get better after you break up with the cause of your misery; no matter your love, bond, and passion- it’ll hurt yes, but trust me when I tell you it pays off! It’s respecting yourself to break free from hurtful and/or untruthful relationships/marriages. Respect yourself enough to walk away! The happiness you have when you longer think of them and when you meet a man that’ll truly love you and give you all you deserve, it’s incomparable.