Part Two: Conquering Anger

Now I’m hoping if you’ve chosen to read this second part of the post then it means you are indeed determined to conquer anger and all other emotions that may easily lead to your destruction if not used wisely.

Here is a short paragraph I have found in my diary when I did take this decision myself in reference to acting out of anger: “I need to control my reactions better particularly with words. I tend to use words as a mean to release and express, and I’ve always thought to speak of my hurt with the one person who caused it: part because if they could affect me negatively they probably could affect me positively as well. And another part is, I want them to feel my hurt. Not necessarily hurt them intentionally, but simply have them feel what I feel and try to change their actions. Or at least, not repeat it again. In any case, I need to be emotionally responsible. I should not let anyone have an emotional hold on me to begin with. Not affect my happiness or bring me down.
I will truly work on controlling my emotional reactions because words make or break relationships. I am still young with a long journey ahead, so no hurry for me. But yes, must practice how to be aware before I loose my control, how to shift away and calm down before or once I do, how to not act out of emotions, ever. I need to think before I speak. I need to listen before I speak having formulated my own scenes and jumped to conclusions.” 

Anger Just Is

Think of anger as just that, anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy- but in this case, anger not only involves you but you and another or even several others around you that you shall choose to build or destroy. You simply have to make the choice. Easier said than done of course, but I can assure you with practice and maintaining awareness of your triggers as well as working on nurturing your conscious it can happen!

Constructive Versus Destructive Anger

Healthy minded people understand anger, more importantly the difference between constructive and destructive anger.

While you are entirely entitled to talk about how you feel, there is always a right way and a wrong way to do it. Like I said in the previous post, fighting fire with fire will only fuel the flames.

Anger is most constructive when it is used to solve a problem, rather than merely to prove a point or vent out your feelings.

I must add, in order to converse about a problem you cannot do it at a point when you are consumed in the feeling of anger, for it clouds your judgment.

Embracing Silence

When anger arises what I do is I stay silent. I shut off my mind. And I focus on my breathing.
For me, to embrace silence is no easy task. But it is a must especially when you are angry or feel negative.

If you happen to find yourself arguing with someone you love, don’t let your anger get the best of you. Think of silence as the best answer, at least temporarily till you are in control again. Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation.

Remember, sometimes saying less means more. Your true beauty lies in the love you give and just as equally your wisdom and emotional maturity lies in the silence you leave behind.

Play it out in your mind, that anger response.. don’t you think that by screaming, judging, cursing, threatening, swearing or uttering any hurtful emotions you will merely be doing more damage than any good?

True maturity lies in mastering your tongue, for only then shall you master your life.

Also, this is a vital point I learned in my past relationship: never bring up the past in disagreement with a loved one. Only deal with the current situation.

Always remember, it’s better to be loving than to be right. Send love in some form to those you believe wronged you, and notice how much better you feel and how much more peace you have. It’s a self-peace no one can take away from you. It’s the power of self-control.

I will repeat again: Keep in mind that silence is sometimes the best answer. It’s better to leave in silence than it is to leave having left words of war. Somethings are just best left unsaid. You deal with how you feel alone. Because sometimes you need to fix yourself and your state before you can fix others!

When Silence Is The Best Answer

Silence is strength, because it is always much better than uttering words out of anger or cursing- no matter what caused your emotion it is NO excuse for hurting another with your words. You will always regret hurting another, intentionally or not; once you’ve said i, the wounds are done and deep. More than anything else, words always stick with the person forever- even if they tell you they forgive you and forget. They never forget. Words scar the deepest and are reopened at the slightest misuse after. Whenever you argue again or speak of the past it will always be engraved within them and used against you.

Also, words are permanent. You can never take what you said back. Words are like knifes. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out, it won’t matter how many times you say “I’m sorry”, the wound is still there. And any mistaken word from there after will always reopen the wounds, no matter if the person says they have forgiven and/or forgotten. Words leave a deep impact within us, FOREVER. You can never take them back! They’re actually much greater than actions in influence. Again, think before you speak.

The Power Of Words

Words create. They either build up or tear down. Words, they make or break relationships- they heal or hurt people. If you must express your hurt or how you feel in negative circumstances- then at least wait till you’re calm, logical, and controlled to choose the correct words to use- instead of just uttering how you feel, you think before you speak; you think of how your words can be understood by the other person and what affect they can cause.

Choose to speak only words of forgiveness, appreciation, understanding and love.

When anger happens I had this list of points I’d read over and over whenever I’m angry to recall how to respond and not react.. now with practice it’s second nature. I will share it below. It is basically a few questions and reminders I wrote up from experience and some quotes I repeat as mantras and other affirmations to really shake my ground to my truth and act out of nothing but my truth at all times.

Reminders And Techniques To Control Anger

• You are stronger than your anger, don’t let it get the best of you. Use it constructively.
• Think about how much more you often suffer from your own anger, then from those very things that you are angry because of.
• If you respond out of emotion you will only make things worse. Remember, “if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”

• Breath deeply. Focus on your breathing.
• Close your eyes, zone out, go to a happy place.
• Let the anger out productively. Dance it out. Hum. Sing. Scream.

• Don’t play victim for how you feel. Own your pain. Don’t give someone the power to overrule your emotions and thus, you.
• Do not intensify your negative emotions. Do not feed the anger by thinking of more negative thoughts/beliefs.
• Don’t think in terms of fairness or compare treatments. Life isn’t fair period. Understand and accept this reality. Choose to be happy regardless.

• Foster self-awareness and seek patience. You will feel very proud of yourself when you control your reaction before it explodes and causes damage.
• Tell yourself that you’re as strong and mature as the silence you leave behind.
• Your hurt and anger do not and will not ever justify you being cruel. Don’t punish yourself for another person’s mistake. How they act if is a reflection of themselves, how you act will define you as well.
• ACT, do not react. This requires thinking before you speak. Aggression is a choice.

• Think before you speak, you will regret hurting another by your words. Think of the consequences, do you really truly mean what you say? Would talking now cause more hurt than healing?
• Remember, you cannot be sorry every time!
• Practice what you preach. Would you want someone you love to speak to you in the way you’re about to? You always preach to only speak words of kindness, appreciation, forgiveness, motivation, and love.
• Be yourself in all circumstances. Would the woman/man you are and progressing to become respond in such a manner? You don’t want to react you want to RESPOND in a conscious rational manner. You don’t want to look back and say “it wasn’t me who said that, I was too consumed in the anger…” NO. Master your emotions or they rule you to your own destruction.

• When you’re calm and collected Go back to the occurrence with a new perspective and interpretation of things, use the emotion to your own benefit and growth. Look through the occurrence with positive eyes of gratitude. Find a way you can help and not harm.
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Your anger is clouding your judgement. See things from any other view other than your own, even as a mere bystander.
• Don’t shut off, communicate the other person’s thoughts to their actions before jumping to conclusions. Understand that it not just the actual event that drives your anger, but how you think about it.
• Think of all the good things the other person has done for you before; how he has stood by you and supported you. Think about why you love the other person and ask yourself if it’s worth ruining all that because of a moment of misunderstanding?
• Realize if you act on your anger, you cannot understand, forgive, or love. You will solve nothing, instead, you will question everything and destroy your relationship. Not only so, but yourself and you risk loosing a loved one.

• Use what you’ve learned through observing your anger to solve a problem. Wait till you’re calm, collected, and rational. Do not use anger to just vent out your feelings or prove a point that is destructive!
• Discuss issues gently. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
• Remember, you will gain nothing, but instead make matters worse for yourself and others emotionally and circumstance wise if you react negatively without full consciousness. Negative responses result in more negative reactions!

Inspiring Quotes On Anger

• “To be angry is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry.”
• “One could say that there are three ways to get rid of anger: kill the opponent, kill yourself or kill the anger- which one makes most sense to you?”
• “Ask yourself if this situation is actually important enough to spoil your own and other people’s mood? Is this problem worth getting upset in a life where death can hit me at any moment?”
• “If I can change the situation, I should do something about it instead of getting all worked-up and angry. Not acting in such a situation will cause frustration in the end. If I cannot change the situation, I will have to accept it. If I don’t, it will only lead to frustration and a negative and unpleasant state of mind, which will make the situation only worse.”
• “You are responsible for how you feel no matter what someone does to you. Remember, you are always in control of your thoughts so choose to feel confident and adequate rather than angry and insecure.”
• “So what makes anger different from the six other deadly sins? It’s pretty simple really, you give into a sin like envy or pride and you only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting and you’ll only hurt yourself and one or two others. But anger, anger is the worst… the mother of all sins! Not only can anger drive you over the edge, when it does you take an awful lot of people with you.”

One of my most favorite effective mean to subside my anger is to hum. Doesn’t matter if I sound beautiful or not. Just let the energy express itself by putting it outside. Likewise with dancing, just do the most idiotic random movements- however the natural flow to your energy within transforms and just get it out there. Once it’s outside of you, you are then more like to deal with it constructively.

Also, if it helps to react, do so, but only in your imagination! Sit with yourself, close your eyes if you must, and play out the scenario- watch yourself react, watch the effect of that on others involved, look at your facial expressions, really allow yourself to feel the anger and let it sink in. Observe the result and wait till you’re conscious and fully collected to then speak and act wisely. It should be easier after you have witnessed the result of reacting out of anger within- unless of course damage is what you want!

Be Wary Of Your Thoughts

I have to say, some things are just better not to think about. As in, it is much easier to control a state you have not reached to begin with and with thoughts you must learn their power, as equally as the power of words. This means, words you tell yourself in your own mind chatter can be much more significant then anything. Some thought will just make you mad and angry. Focus the intensity of your emotions on what you are and value, and refocus them to what you want and not what you do not! For example, envision a scenario with a positive result, and make your imagination work for you- not against you. Remember: the type of thinking that lead to the creation of the problem or the “bad” feeling cannot be used to solve the problem or eliminate the feeling.

Lastly, remember, he who angers you, wins you. Some people want you  to react just to use your reactions against you and go about their way with decisions. So not become your own enemy by acting on anger. Do not let anyone have such an emotional hold on you. Simply, take a deep breath, relax, breath out, re-focus, shift to a happy moment, and remember what matters! Choose to act rather than react against everybody.

Conclusion

The only person you can change and conquer is yourself, if you can control your mind, you master your emotions- and you can choose to keep your peace of mind no matter the situation. Your truth reveals and your strength lies in how you feel and act when situations do not go as expected and/or planned. Keep in mind: the negativity or positivity you bring into the moment, decides the direction your life goes next.

If you’re angry at a loved one, hug that person. Seriously, that’s all you have to do even if you feel like you’ll tear them apart. You may not want to touch them even- which is all the more reason to do so. It’s hard to stay angry when someone displays love for you, and that’s exactly what happens when we hug each other. It also creating a bonding hormone and personally to me can mean much more than any other physical act if done genuinely and at a time it’s needed.

Make your own happiness and that of others as a priority in your life. Act accordingly. This means never on anger or any negative emotion!

“Time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in your life, and your behavior decides who stays in your life.”

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