Forgive, But CHANGE!

On the previous post about forgiveness I spoke about how you should always choose forgiveness. In this post, I talk about forgiveness between spouses, and in particular it is addressed to women that I see settling in toxic and unhappy marriages.

Forgiveness can be for your own good and yet sometimes it’s wiser to just let go and leave and then work on healing your wounds, ALONE. Because your partner can abuse the many chances you give him/her. There’s a limit to forgiveness and letting things pass. The purpose of a relationship isn’t to make excuses for your partner’s behavior, certainly not on a regular basis. It doesn’t matter the years you’ve shared, the love you had/have, the home you’ve built, or the children you’ve reared. Those are the exact reasons why you should NOT forget the let down! There should be no disappointments, let alone lies and betrayals!

You just don’t forgive and forget in certain cases of toxic relationships and betrayals and such. You also accept and move on to the better. Sometimes you even must not forget although you choose forgiveness, just to not settle in such circumstances again.

I do believe and preach that everyone should put all the time and effort to fix things in his/her personal life, yes. Marriage is hard work. It’s not about the love emotions, not at all. But there are three problems to fixing.

Firstly, the women I see today don’t ever really end up healing and gaining absolute trust back. They never forget and bury resentment within their hearts. They merely use the behavior of their husband as something to be held against them forever, like they owe them their years. So they control them via making them feel guilty and shamed, not just as husbands but also as fathers. I realized that today sadly the majority of women are victims of their OWN insecurities and fears, that is why they mostly settle in disappointing relationships. Let alone, their lack of self-esteem and self-fulfillment drives their male partner’s to letting them down easily, leaving them even more wrecked living in mistrust and no sense of worth- it’s only normal, you can’t expect of others what you do not feel towards yourself. The person you end up with, acts as your mirror.

Secondly, trust once is broken- yes you can put it back together intact but the cracks always remains. What do you have without trust in marriage? Sorry to say, but almost NOTHING other than what’s the bigger picture in terms of kinships and possessions! And for women of today, you can never make the trust come back no matter how hard you try. Why? Self-esteem check! You wouldn’t be in this relationship/situation if you had self-respect and knew your value to begin with! Moreover, if you as a parent do not know what’s better for yourself (or maybe you do know but are in denial and fear) and cannot be healthy in mind and body.. then how could you know what’s better for your child and raise him/her healthy? You cannot. This whole, “I’m in it for the kids” is no more than insecurities of self. It’s certainly not only about the kids. Never is.

If you want to rebuild the trust, what builds it? Love. Not just any love, but one that is tested over the years. One that is shown in not only words, but actions. The words should be the validation to the actions. And if that trust has been broken and the love no longer has a place to live? You’d think the truth should mend it. However, sometimes it is the truth that kills it. After all, some people’s truths are their worst of betrayals to oneself, their partner, and/or their child(ren). Better to be killed with truth, heal alone, make the changes necessary, and lead a better life.. than live a lie and be comfortable in denial of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. That I can assure you.

Personally, I do not understand how you can love someone you do not trust. Impossible in my world! I’d have to trust him with my ALL even! Trust equates to respect, for it is earned. If it isn’t there- especially if it has been broken- nothing else is! The love is questioned & the foundation to a relationship is gone. Yes you can mend it, but it’ll never be the same. For most, mending ends up being mere denial that some things aren’t meant to be fixed and underestimating the fact that trust is THE relationship! Better to leave some things shattered I believe, then wound yourself putting pieces back together. Either or, the cracks will forever stay.

Third problem to working on fixing a relationship/marriage: what if all you’ve been doing is “fixing” without any results?… that you simply end up just dwelling in self-denial cause you’re so afraid of not finding anything/one better… we’re creatures of habit. Misery and self-destruction can be our comfort zones forever. What’s known- even if it’s the worst- is better than the unknown we seem to have convinced ourselves. Remember, in relationships all you can really control and so change is YOURSELF and never your partner. I believe some relationships simply should NOT be fixed. I mean how do you expect your relationship to work when you’re both sailing ships to different harbors? And there will be many tides ahead and you’re not even on the same boat although you’re under one roof! Brings me back to one note: take your time to choose your relationships wisely. Being alone will never cause as much loneliness as being in a relationship with the wrong person. Nothing’s worse than feeling alone among and emotionally distant from a partner and family you’ve chosen and made together. And surely certain actions of betrayal especially when they’re recurrent should not be forgiven! Don’t try to harvest emotions that don’t exist, ALONE just because you share(d) years or a home. Cherish the moments and move on. Find someone who’ll truly appreciate you. If a partner does you wrong, don’t blame or seek faults in yourself- let your personal deeds define you and not the supposed friend/love emotions or actions. It’s his shame that he/she didn’t live up to THEIR truths and promises. It’s one life you live, do yourself right!

Sometimes we try so hard to make something work, but no matter how hard we try.. it’s not working. And it never will. Be open to the fact that some things were made to never work, only to teach you some lessons and move on. Likewise with people, regardless of how you feel, you need to let them go. I see many people that need to snap out of the denial they live in. It’s time to let go of your ideals and stop living in a world of make believe, and wake up to reality. Honesty with oneself is the first step to true progress and change.

Take a step back and reevaluate your needs, particularly with people that you have in your life. Why keep someone/thing that will drain YOUR life? And I show no remorse for those that get so caught up wallowing in denial and self-pity that they forget that they have a choice!!! The majority of people today- even the ones that play the heroic “victim of love”- are victimizing themselves! You ALWAYS have a choice and it can be fair to all involved, it takes two things: honesty and responsibility.

And it’s so sad for me to see so many that take their partners/spouses for granted (particularly spouses, if you think about it- most men/woman don’t continue to do what it took to get their partner in the first place): there will ALWAYS be someone that will find your spouse the most beautiful, care to listen and accept, provide her/him with the attention and emotional security one needs, make the time for her/him and put the efforts to THEIR happiness.

Lastly, know that there is no marriage that is worth the loss of self-esteem and the full degradation of your individual identity. When you find yourself compromising your individual rights, ethical boundaries, love, joy, or worse, yourself for someone that’s the most definite sign to let them go and walk far away! There is no time to waste on or with people that limit your happiness, potential, and only hinder your journey in self-growth. Some even prevent that from happening and only seem to bring out the worst in you, a side we all have!  Life is too short to not put yourself first. Yes, doesn’t matter if you two have history or attachments (be it even kids) already! Responsibility starts with yourself; be honest with your feelings towards yourself and others. Your rights to dignity and happiness do not necessarily mean they go against that of others or will harm them, remember, many people are greedy and unfair anyways! It’s our nature to feed off of each others emotional energy, so make sure you surround yourself with people that either help you grow or at least, don’t affect your state of mind negatively! Don’t live for another, live for yourself! And when it comes to true love, I understand dying for that person, but I do not understand how one can imprison their beloved knowing they are miserable and do it for an entire lifetime just so they’d feel secure and worthy!

I’d rather be happy and esteemed ALONE than: being with someone and having to comprise myself or my beliefs; settling for less than I deserve because I fear my own company; living in self-denial with a liar just to show him off to the public or fake a happy picture; or because I just want to be a mother and forget my rights as a wife. I mean even being unhappy alone is much better than living unhappily with someone. You can have physical company around you and feel lonely. Nothing is worse. And reality check for most women, a marriage isn’t about popping legal babies as exciting and cool as it may sound at first be it for attention, feeling worthy and purposeful as a woman, guaranteeing the love of your child, fitting into society, and/or pleasing the in-laws. Family can be your world, but when husband and wife turn to mere roommates that only communicate because of their child(rens) existence.. that’s unhealthy; for everyone involved!

So to sum it up: forgive, but don’t settle in silence. Make sure your partner has really changed and because they want to and not because you are asking for it forcefully.
Forgive, but don’t do it with your tongue only and not your heart.
Forgive, but only if you’ll be able to love the one who’s wronged you unconditionally and truly without any grudges.
Forgive, but keep in mind: after you’ve been let down you need to heal YOURSELF first and cleanse your wounds.
Forgive and realize you will have to work even harder on your relationship/marriage. Love is not a mere feeling you utter. It is a DECISION determining how you will behave and treat another, in all circumstances and times.

If you can’t do it in heart, soul, and mind and be renewed to an even stronger, more confident person, woman, wife, and mother then accept the fact you haven’t fully forgiven and let go of your partner. But still don’t hang onto hate or any “negative” emotion towards your ex. The one and only cure for love gone “bad” is simply to keep loving and abundantly. Loving more is indeed the remedy to a disappointed and/or broken heart. Thing is, you can hate the person by choice for whatever let downs that occurred, but don’t think hate will lead you to forgetting or moving on. Hate binds you to the person just as strongly as love. The only difference is, hate will never let you advance in life. You’ll always be stuck in the past with regret and pain- an endless cycle. It will consume and destroy you. And you will keep yourself stuck in the same experiences in life since they always reflect your inner world. So choose love and forgiveness, it’s a fresh new start. That’s what letting go is about. You can love and not need the person.

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