Let me start by saying I never thought I would write another piece on love, not from a personal point.
Around a year ago I wrote two pieces of which were my “personal accounts on love,” and the only reason I did so was to come at terms with a relationship- actually, more like situation I was put in- peacefully. It was for me to let it go, express, and move on from the second it’s posted. Since for me the relationship was toxic, emotionally abusive, and well, I lived with the burdens of so many believing I can fix them and help them love one another. Still regardless of all that, we both had an invincible connection of soul, mind, heart, and body, and too much love between us. If I allowed myself to be near him again sure we would still do. But today I know better.
I also wrote an even stronger piece that resonated to many, “The Love Of Your life“.. I did write it at the height of emotion with full intensity from my burning heart. Today, I actually have a whole new definition and would certainly take back calling that person the love of my life.
You may be already thinking I must have experienced a greater connection and love with another man, actually not at all. I maybe going out on dates and trying to give others chances- only because I am too kind to say no- but I leave each outing sure that person is not the one and yet still with the best of feeling: I clearly know what I want. I am in tune with my heart and mind. I have achieved full self-love, esteem, and respect. I have become all the qualities I want my partner to be, and I will not ever settle or lower my standards. I believe in myself and greatness. Above all, I AM READY.
What am I ready for? Simply for the right person that would hold my hand and fight all odds with me. I am ready to love unconditionally and fiercely like I am today. I start with love and I work through it in my every day..it is not enough I be with a man that adores me, I want to feel what I know I am capable of feeling and I want to be the best woman, companion, best friend, lover, and one day, wife and mother I can be. But there is no rush for me. I expect all this to happen along the journey that I am actually ready for: it is my time to shine. It is my time to lead by example, be the best version of myself. It is my time to give out the right energy to others, to do all that I want to do. It is time I work hard and succeed. It is time I make my dreams come true. I am enjoying myself and my journey. I believe along this journey where I shall spread my wings and fly my highest I may meet another just as grand as I am. And if not, finally, I am more than enough!
For once, my heart and mind are vast, wide, and open to everyone; without conditions too. I have no more walls built up. I have no more fears of commitment. I am not clenched by disbelief in love. I have healthy precise standards and ideals. The only words that flow are from my heart. I am living leading by example as my own savior.
Of course I did not reach this bullet-proof self easily. The past “love story” I was in lasted for over 3 years, which for someone like me, it feels like a lifetime! But it has been over a year I am really focused on healing myself within. Even when I could not break free off him, during the time with him in my life I begun my healing through the lessons learned as soon as I knew better. Pain can wake you up or make you play victim and lead you to your own destruction. You see although it was a relentless cycle of love, I chose and was focused on being conscious and right all along. I also broke down, I cried, I screamed, I hurt, I felt my heart bleed, I grasped for breath..I did it all. It was basically grieving for a dead, except worse, cause I had to see him almost daily. Then one day I was just revived. I was determined to be. I snapped out of it. I embraced my true self. I chose the correct beliefs, and I strengthened them. I opened my eyes wide open and saw the bigger picture. I stopped feeding the negative emotions and letting them control me. I stopped defining myself by what happened to me. I relied on myself for everything.
I did make little mistakes again giving into his approaches and going to false shelters, but as time went by, I the mistakes would get smaller and less. Each time I would go home and write down a pep talk to not repeat an action. You know, things you do at an impulse of emotions and they feel good momentarily then take you back subconsciously to zero! We have all been there. So, I stopped going back to the old love no matter how vulnerable and needy I felt. Even on the days he came right under my home, I stood my ground. Enough was enough.
“But…I Still Miss Him”
Also, in the past days were all I was consumed by is the story and missing…I knew missing is okay, it is detoxing. Just do not dwell on memories. Or if you do, be fair.. do not just dwell on the good. Remember the bad too. With time and some mind-control practice many I have faded. Sure they are in the back of my head and will never be forgotten but it is a closed book, by choice.
You come to realize that missing and loving are not indicators of something or someone being good for you. Unfortunately, it is the total opposite. Just because you miss does not mean you give into what/whom you released.
I believe we need to let go of a few people before we find the right one. Because it takes a few toxic loves to reveal our own insecurities and heal us into a healthy state of self. In that sense, no relationship is ever a fail. They are all successes in their own ways molding us into the woman/man we are meant to become, and preparing us for greater truer loves.
If you still feel you cannot live without someone then you are not yet fulfilled; codependency is the worst. The more codependent you get and have someone feel you need them to live and cannot go on without them, the more they will end up taking you for granted. Likewise, the more you accept hurtful behavior and the more you choose to understand their reasoning’s (which are actually mere excuses), the more they will take you for granted and continue the same acts. Like I have said before, best determinant for future behavior, for most, is their past behavior.
Heartbreak Will Do You Good
I also learned that heartbreak is not a bad thing. It can be the reason you come out a masterpiece. A light bright spirit nothing and no one can dim. You can let it make you bitter, or better! Do not let a bad experience make you ugly within. Heartbreak can teach you that you are whole on your own, help you foster self-love, respect and esteem, and let go of what and whom makes you smaller or brings out your worst, no matter how much you love them.
Self-love is one of the greatest qualities you should all aim to attain. When you do, you will ultimately find yourself breaking away without hesitation from whom and what does not serve you or brings you more bad than good or even simply, does not let you fully embrace your essence. You set yourself free no matter the pain and losses, your focused on the fact you have the greatest gain of all: yourself. Of course this is easier said and done. Letting go is probably the most difficult thing I ever had to teach myself to do, but with practice you get stronger. The more self-love you have, the easier it gets. In the end, you only gain by letting go.
How Are You Showing Up For Yourself?
If you want to change your love life, change how you are showing up for yourself. Take every finger you’ve pointed at another, and point it at yourself. Then be responsible, choose healing and change. The saying of you cannot love another till you truly love yourself is as true as it gets, no matter how cliche it is getting.
If you are not healthy, your partner will not be either. If you lack self-esteem and respect, you will attract someone who mirrors the same lacking and treats you at your own accord. Take a hold of your life, be your own savior, and raise your standards!
So now I am experiencing the most infinite love affair, the love of my life has finally become…: myself. I am not saying this to sound cliche or arrogant, but next time I am in a relationship I will ask him to take care of himself and I take care of me, and we will look forward to life together and not just sit passively starring at each other. I will not ask anybody to take care of me. I love myself enough to do that now. I love myself fully to not lose myself in another. I love myself to know that if I choose to put a person before myself that this is no excuse to abandon myself, especially when this world is filled with selfish people.
No one can take care of you and genuinely be concerned for your health, happiness, and needs if they do not care for their own. let alone think they do not deserve any of the above! If you force them to care, even if they may do it they will do it without heart or present mind. Deep within, sooner or later, they will despise you for it.
It took me a long long time to learn that I am not here to fix people after years of thinking it is my purpose. It is not my job or yours to fix them, save them, or take care of them even, especially not when they cannot do it for themselves. The only thing you can and should do is offer them kindness and encouragement. The rest is in their hands. When all you do is give, you reach a point where you are out of balance- particularly when so many take and not only leave you with nothing but with negativity too- so be wary! Remember to put yourself; your health and sanity first in such situations. We humans can easily lose ourselves in others!
For those you are very close to, you can only love them. Of course when you love, you care, but do not let that be an excuse to carry their burdens and mistakes, and waste your energy trying to change them to the better or forget someone more important: yourself!
Sometimes the only way you can love someone is from a distance.
True love is letting go. If you have never had to let go of a loved one then I bet you you are not ready or will ever be able to grasp a true love that lasts.
Can I At Least Be My Ex’s Friend?
In my personal experience, I invested so much. I never had to lose someone I gave the whole of me from my life, let alone choose to cut them off. I felt it is disrespect to our past that it is a must I have something to hang onto.
The first truth is in my scenario, you cannot be friends with an ex-lover, because friends do not maltreat one another. Secondly, it just never felt right. The truth you will not like to hear: it takes you back from moving on a subconscious level. You will not even realize it!
So it took me a long while to really change and I mean within. To not care that if we cross paths we will be more of strangers than the open book we were, and to not even notice his presence today or care if he is with another or happy or not. I am so happy with myself and my world with I am only looking forward to the greatest days ahead and amazing love.
My advice here is, if you have been making choices that you deem as right or the only way or simply because they re the easiest, and you are still facing the same problems and are unhappy then you must do something different! Change is a necessity, if you have never had to be forced to change in your life that is not a good sign. What led you to a problem will not fix it. Those who cause you a problem, limit you, and/or drain your energy will not necessarily change. Usually, in situations that bring us more unhappiness and pain, than happiness and pleasure- you can begin by asking for change from yourself. And I am talking within- not superficially. If you have invested all you can in yourself to be and do better, and secondly, your relationship, and you are still unhappy and unhealthy then this an indicator that you need to take action! It is time let go of something or someone. We all know who these are. Most probably the last thing and person you want to lose actually!
I remember so vividly days were I had many options except to lose him. I said that is a no way to let happen. Today I laugh at myself. I was holding on to nothing and that was keeping me from having everything. It was like holding onto trash and not making room for the treasures! This person had me in a cage he called “his love”…I was keeping myself from my own freedom by trusting in another more than myself. Here’s one fact: trust your instincts. Trust yourself most. Listen to that gut feeling.
No Time Wasted
Lastly, I always used to think “I wish I got out sooner, took harsher methods to get away, not let him in again every time he came back,…I wasted so much time.” The fact is, no relationship is a waste of time. While at many points I felt my lessons have been learned and I asked God in prayers why it was not ending for real, why he would not leave me alone, why why.. But obviously even though you may feel ready be it because you have had enough of the pain, too bored of the cycles, want more and know you can have it now that you have healed your esteem,..whatever the reason is, you are not really ready by your choice. The day will come, but it is not up to you to decide. You will wake up one day and you will find that even when you are at the utmost degree of hurt and missing, that person from your past is the last one you want to go to. Then comes another day you do not even recall they are options that exist! Just give time, more time. Remember yourself, your needs, and your future. Focus on what you want, not what you do not.
The best part of all is although I am no longer in love with him, I certainly will always love him unconditionally and want whats best for him. He may have been very unfair and selfish with me too, not because it was his nature, but because of the miserable life he led..but that was no excuse for me to be the same. Till today I can only feel love and peace towards him.
The surprising thing is, even with those you hate, you can probably love them most. If only you gave a chance to truly know them. If it is someone that you feel has wronged you it still applies; knows ones intentions before judging, have compassion, be forgiving, accept the occurrence, and take responsibility for how you feel. You will unlock your power to healing and loving. Trust me when I say, in the end it is all about you. Nothing is ever inflicted upon you for no reason. The people you meet are there to teach you more about yourself. Choose the better road and greater self, and life. Choose love.
A New Beginning
Now, I have finally not only come to peace with endings, but learned to love them. The fact is everything in this life ends, but the best feeling comes from knowing that it is the time for a fresh start and new beginning. A better brighter one too 🙂
So here is to you my dear readers:
When love dies, you do not have to die with it! Set yourself free. Spread your wings and fly again. Unanchor yourself from the painful past. Find the light within you.
The beats promise hope and the cracks grasp the light. Just let your heart guide you and silent your mind.
You just keep breathing. Just keep on keeping.
Let the melodies of loss emerge you into whatever waves of emotions you feel. Be open to the pain and love, even of those that hurt you. Give yourself the permission to grieve. And be determined to find the flame of healing within.
Time and more love are the only cures in this world.
Know you will love again and again and again.
Every goodbye- if you are strong enough to say it- will leave you with the freedom to love as wide as the ocean.
You can only gain from here on. Cry, break, scream, laugh and repeat you if wish. But the day will come where you’ll snap and do nothing more but love fiercely. Only if you are determined to of course.
There comes a time where the tears will refuse to flow for longer and you will swell with strength. You will realize you matter most and not only has your life just begun, but your greatest days are still ahead 🙂
It is time you prepare for a greater love and life.