How do you keep the free-soul from wandering?
How do you tame the wild character?
How do you get the ones that cannot belong to anyone to commit?
My verdict is that some people cannot be molded or changed except by themselves and consciously. They cannot be yours or his or hers. Heck, most days they do not even belong to themselves, but something unattainable that is much grander. They cannot be rope tied to anyone, anything, or anywhere.
Welcome to being me..
Sometimes I ponder and question whether being as free spirited as I am is a curse or blessing, particularly when it comes to the societal norms and family traditions I was brought up around, if not in. I have always been the one with fingers pointed at. “Why am I not ‘like the rest?'” I asked myself that although every part of me exclaimed this is so not who I am- no matter how hard I try I can never be others definition of “normal”. They do not lead the lives I wish to lead at heart, soul, words, and actions. To be like them would be to silence my truth and play an act like so many do. I refuse to let my truths be hidden unlike the many.
For the most part, I am very confident in who I am, honest and loud about what I stand for, and know clearly what I want in all aspects of my life every day- the challenge lies in the fact it is not what the majority of people see as “normal,” “acceptable,” or whatever else they have deemed as good or happy or a marriage or truth. The biggest pressures of all of course come from my own family, whom being an active part of society are pressured by them too that their daughter is unusual. Being human, of course I have my days were I am never certain for long if it is awesome or if it really sucks at points to have a heart and soul like mine…one that cannot settle in one place or with one person; I always want to go and cannot sit still.
I crave nothing more than freedom. Freedom for me is eliminating things, breaking free from almost everyone, and just letting my soul soar. It is hard when I want to be there for my family and keep their values, or at least, be there to take care of them and not break their hearts with my constant need to disappear far away.
I like to throw myself into the unknown, and often. Without constant change I suffocate. I am not sure if it is the routine or myself that causes the suffocation, I think both. If I do not run wild, I decay slowly.
I have a thirst for great challenges no matter the pain they cause me- the bigger the pain the greater the reward it seems for me.
I open myself bluntly to strangers; I give of myself for free, I am always soul-naked. Which of course has left me manipulated and abused in the past. But yes, even if it means they empty my fuel, I will recharge solo. I just cannot not give. Equally, this is why I need time alone so often and for long.
I have super high intuitions and I am very sensitive to energy- I read it instantly, now this absolutely sucks in my opinion. Sadly, most people aren’t worth knowing. Hence, why I am so reserved.
I do not need many friends and certainly no acquaintances in my life. I will not ask you how are you if I truly do not care to know. I will not greet you for show, but out of respect for you and myself. It is either I really care for you that I would take a bullet for you blindly, or you have no space in my life and so heart. Some say that is extreme, but hey that is me!
I have been reluctant to extremities my whole life. Balance and moderation are two terms I have just recently started applying. It is difficult to live “in between” for me.
It took me years to learn to let go of my control and learn to just let my tears flow. Now I am not ashamed to cry in public. I walk around vulnerable, but do not be fooled- I have the strength of many of you in one. It is sad most are what they hide and feel the need to paste smiles and fake picture perfects.
I have addict traits to many things in life. Passion is a miracle cure to thrive in life past the mundane but when overdone it is a deadly poison. Let me tell you, for us the passionate souls living with fire in our hearts it is hard to not overdo it.
My mind is always working trying to keep my heart and spirit grounded but it is kind of useless most days.
I cannot stop loving. I love harder through hurt. My idea of love is not how 99% of people do it in their lives or marriages or all for that matter.
I cannot be owned. Only God owns me. Not my family, father or no man certainly can. Yes, I would love a companion of the like but only to complement me on my journey as I would on his.
I laugh all the time, for no reason. I am pretty much always smiling too. Most people think I am high on something almost always. I crack myself up. Energy is contagious, I make sure mine is good 😉 but also this gets challenging when it comes to finding a companion, I am always the entertainer no one can easily impress. I do not do jokes, I can be humorous and light in soul but never say a joke.
When I fear something, I go do it even if I know I will die doing it. My heart likes to guide me to deadly situations often.
I am cool with dying, I see death in life every day throughout.
I am trying to find balance with what people call “normal” when it comes to life.. so far the only thing that has worked is to break free from “normal” often and lose myself in the wonders of this world. Actually, lose myself in myself mostly. I have a wonder of a world within. It works temporarily though I must say.
At the start I mentioned this battle within occurring in Egypt, but here is the thing; whenever I parted Egypt or the middle eastern countries in general instantly my heart would open and my aura would change. There was no inner battle at all, but full sheer confidence and security with nothing and no one but myself needed.
It is not necessarily finding people that are my home anymore as the goal but finding outer peace that does not disturb my inner! It is about being in a place where people mind their own lives and do not try to sabotage, talk me out, sidetrack me, judge, or hate on whatever I stand for and work towards.
The truth is happiness is mostly mental yes. But a great part of your mental health is your surrounding. People can be toxic for you just as pollution in the air can be. You can only control the toxicity from everyone for so long really. Plus, life is not about battling others just to survive- it is about thriving fully alive at your best.
I have become the qualities I seeked in man I “needed” growing up. I have become my own mother, father, companion, and best friend.
But is it selfish that I need no one but myself and God?
Is it selfish that I want to break free from those that supposedly love me and want me by their sides for their sake?
My definition of selfish is entirely different. Most people that “live for others” do so miserably and essentially end up cheating on them at least within. I have lived my whole life entirely selfless taking care of others and putting them first, now I learned true self-love and for many that is selfishness in action. You see when you do not put yourself, your needs, your truths, and your happiness first everything you will be doing for others is never genuine or entirely worth it in my opinion. They take you for granted. And the truth is I am worth fulfilling my needs, happiness, dreams, and desires.
I reached the conclusion a long while ago that rare few of us were not made to be grounded and can never follow the norms or fit in I believe. We try, but we never fully will. Why? I do not know. I think this world would suck without us! So much of it is miracles and destinations would not be discovered if it were not for us. I am needing to regularly remind myself this at the times things are not flowing so easily for me just to be myself.
I may not only love but also thrive off of wandering and being alone, especially, traveling solo- but it is true that not all those that wander are lost. My internal compass which would be my heart guides me always, my mind stays centered on what I want and dream off- no matter how far away it seems- and my body follows through with my intuitions. The souls I meet along my journey, a part of them always feels like home no matter how far I travel. When you see your own reflection in everyone you meet, you treat them as your extensions- you know you have permanently nurtured unconditional self-love within and so outwards in this short lived life.
Note: excuse me if this did not flow easily or in sequence- I did not expect to write being away on my iPhone notes…the words came out instantly from within hopefully they make sense 😉