What I Quit When I Learnt Self-Love

I’d previously written I won’t have the time to update much due to my constant traveling that I’ve begun since Mid-March… but yes, I’m constantly overflowing with thoughts and inspirations I can’t not! So here is a list I’d written on my iPhone Notes.. a list of what I stopped when I started truly loving myself innately. The points are listed according to my thought patterns and not importance.

When I started loving me, I stopped:

Caring whom likes me or not. Lately I focus on the many that love me and matter and no one else! I’m too busy loving those love me to bother with those that don’t.

Thinking I can change and save people. You can’t and it’s not your duty anyways. If you must change or save someone, let it be yourself!

Being hard on myself and talking negatively within my mind. Our bodies follow through with our thoughts. The biggest lesson of all has been self-compassion/forgiveness.

Getting stuck in the past. I now have closed many books and clearly see and can’t wait for my brighter better days and memories!

Not being present. I aim to be mindful in all I say and do and focus on today and no further.

Stressing out and worrying about the future. As long as I stay self focused and true to myself I can just let life on fold on it’s own- I have no doubt it’ll be in my favor!

Ignoring my body; it’s needs and cues. I stopped emotional eating. I am working on removing the foods I’m sensitive to one by one no matter my love for them out of habit or taste.

Rushing myself around particularly in the mornings. I’ve been taking my time every morning and have my daily rituals and spiritual practices that set my intention for the day right.

Rushing through injuries cause I can’t take being bed-sentenced. Either you suck it up for a few months or live your lifetime not fully healed cause you didn’t listen to your body and let it rest to recover fully.

Being impatient. The longer the wait, the greater the gain.

Reacting out to others negativity and hate. Nothing’s greater than having someone burst out at you in spite and you still maintain your peace of mind and add to that give them kindness and love in return!

Treating people how they treat me. I treat people out of kindness because that is who I am regardless of how terrible they’ve been to me. But for those that are so toxic to me and will not leave me alone, ignoring is the best thing to do by far!

Going out too often that I have no time alone.

Feeling anxious or nervous if I’m ever at an event or take myself out for a date alone.

Slandering. I learnt that not because it’s true need I tell others the bad traits of someone, I choose to speak only of those I know very well as in my family and best friends or myself only. If I don’t have anything nice to say about a person I’d rather not speak at all- yes, even if they’ve done me wrong and hurt me. I leave that between God and I.

Deeming vulnerability as a weakness. It’s true strength to let your walls down and/or hand yourself cut open to another. Just watch your expectations and don’t forget you’re responsible for you and not no one else you get involved with!

Being party in gossip, I personally never gossip but now I just walk away if I’m sitting among those that do- I don’t lend my ears!

Eating meat. While I still eat some fish and seafood sparingly, simply because I love the taste and my body digests them well, I just can’t do meat anymore since yearsssss! I also don’t label myself, I simply eat a more plant-based diet.

Like above, I quit trying to label and define myself.

Shopping a lot. I don’t like to waste money on extra things I don’t need even if I can afford them. I’d rather give to charity and/or travel more.

Criticize or judge others. I’m not of judgmental nature but I’m talking in the instance where it’s people that have hurt me, spoken badly of me, won’t leave me live peacefully examples… I now am fully empathic and compassionate towards them. As well as, indifferent.

Watch TV or listen to the news. News are just depressing to me, always have been. And TV and movies are a waste of my time, I’d rather be out and living!

Checking social media. I use Facebook only primarily to update my thoughts that so many find inspiring and perfectly timed, and secondly to check messages from friends I have grown up with and met worldwide. I don’t check newsfeeds or others pages and pictures. I deactivate it for months and often, just because really! It’s easy to live without social media for me.

Checking my phone like my life depends on it. I hardly use a phone lately only to tell my family I’m alive and okay a few times a week!

Taking numerous pictures to upload. I keep my journeys details to myself. And I’m too busy enjoying to recall cameras exist most days!

Investing my time and energy in people and situations that not only don’t add to myself and life but distract me from my true journey.

Giving my thoughts and energy to those that can only harm me. If I need to feel safe all I need is calling out to God.

Swearing as much. Although I do believe those that swear are more honest when it’s naturally released… but I’ve learned that strength lies in controlling your tongue and getting your point through calmly without offending anyone. If you want to be heard, you got to keep it short, simple, and respectful.

Checking my weight on the scale. I use my mirror reflection and the way my clothes fit to keep check with my physique. Numbers are nothing when it comes to determining your health and fitness.

Wearing heels. I don’t care if being in flats isn’t feminine enough or if I’m petite and short. I got all the confidence today without heels on than ever before! Plus I prefer being barefoot personally.

Being lazy and ungrateful. Our health is indeed our greatest wealth, I make sure to move my body every day. And there is always something to be grateful for in our every day.

Drinking alcohol. Pure poison.

I stopped listening to others only to talk, I now listen to listen without the urge to immediately respond.

Insisting to be in control and right. Many times winning is surrendering.

Putting makeup (by makeup I mean concealer) and commercial products. I only use organic and mostly homemade products for my skin and hair. If I wouldn’t eat it I try to not put it on my skin. My idea of makeup now is a tinted all-natural vegan lip balm with SPF and a mineral sunblock. Never have I felt more beautiful, and on the days my eyes look tired I simply embrace them and rest better! No more concealer for me!

Dying my hair (yes the picture is of me indeed, some quick iPhone snaps right after waking up one morning.. and yes my hair is indeed dyed for the most part but finally it’s growing and never again lol). Lessons learnt! Never putting chemical dyes in aims for “new looks” anymore- simply not worth how it destroys ones hair in texture, weight, and length- even if at points the look helped me feel as though I’m about to embark on a new beginning!

Not following and trusting my intuitions instead lying to myself to fit an ideal I set and so on. I’m choosing to follow my gut instincts.

Needing others to feel company. I’m so fulfilled alone now that I’ve become my greatest entertainer, companion, lover, and best of friend.

Making excuses for others, or myself even.

Feeling incomplete without a man. I’m all the qualities I need in one and being single for me is a joy!

Trusting someone and his/her words more than myself. Trust in yourself above anyone else!

Letting my family’s judgments and harsh words get to me, particularly my mother. I don’t take anything to heart. I don’t allow them to push me to my worst. I simply listen and be bigger and better. They only know one way, I’m too open minded and hearted to be shrieked by their means to get me to be whom they wish I was. I simply offer them compassion and don’t add fuel to the fire.

Blaming others for my pain, even if they betrayed me. I see myself as the composer of every ounce of hurt I feel and I choose responsibility and change.

Attaching myself to a person, a relationship, or an outcome. I have learned to see the beauty in goodbye and detachments. If I am ever attached to anything it’s a goal, purpose, dream, or God- nothing and no one tangible.

Craving someone to take care of me, especially growing up as a child with no one to do so. I’ve learned to take care of myself.

Feeling I need someone. Lately, I feel I need nobody but myself and God!

Searching for where I belong. It’s no must to belong or have a “home”.

Not confronting, avoiding, or ignoring my feelings- even the supposedly “bad/negative” ones. I always choose confrontation and allow myself to feel and then use whatever it is I felt constructively.

Going about my days without a plan. I need to plan every hour before I sleep at night.

Being ashamed of crying. Real people with strength drop a few tears with a genuine smile in front of their enemies even.

Believing in “the One”. There is no “one”, there’s only you and others you attract that are here to help you discover more about yourself, heal your childhood wounds and past traumas and unleash your self-power.

Loving the idea of fallowing and being “in love”. I stayed in one relationship even after it died for years- now I know better than to waste myself and time. And I no longer “fall in love,” I rise in it! That’s what happens when you love yourself first and foremost and are mature emotionally.

Compromising myself and my personal boundaries for others. Don’t do it. Nothing’s worse than losing yourself even if it’s in another and in the name of love! Boundaries keep you healthy!

Having to explain myself to others or justify things. If they need justifications to why I am who I am or to challenge their fixed judgments or what I did (which is none of most peoples business anyways) then they’re not worth my knowing!

Seeking to be understood, similar to the point mentioned above. As long as I know myself and fully compared my essence and needs- that’s all that matters!

Fearing aging and death. I see life and beauty in both now.

Believing in someone’s words more than his/her actions. Words are cheap, let me tell you. Let ones actions guide you to their truth. And like I always said, best determinant for future behavior is past behavior.

Believing that someone that doesn’t love himself can love me. They cannot, period. If they do it’ll be selfish and will kill your heart and soul sooner or later.

Thinking love is only romance and can found in a man. Love is everywhere, it’s the air you breathe in… it’s all within you if only you destroy what you built within you that’s resisting it.

Restricting my spirit to look more “normal” or fit into society or because a man or my family that supposedly “love” me tell me so. I burst out laughing and dancing anywhere or time. I don’t care to fit. I don’t care for approval. I will never let anyone tame me again. My voice will always be loud and I shall always stand out with my head held up high!

Comparing my life to that of others that seem they have it handed easier. Thankfully I’ve never compared my body and all that like most women. But yes I’ve quit questioning why life has been so difficult and unfair to me at points and for long.
I stopped counting my losses and I see my blessings. They’re all that matter. What’s even more astounding is most of my blessings came disguised as losses indeed!

And lastly, I stopped being an uptight serious adult all the time. I turn 24 this June and I never felt younger and fresher! I put humor and so life into everything. I am learning to embrace the child in me more as I grow older 🙂 hence my laughing mania, I am master at cracking not just others up- but myself as well!

The most paramount gain of all has been myself. I wake up and see my reflection in the mirror what I see is the honest beautiful woman I am growing into- on a daily basis too. I see my pure loving spirit shining through my eyes. I find that I finally accept every inch of my body and honor it. I see the amazing mother I am- although I have not given birth yet indeed. I see all that I am capable of. I see a smile that is genuine, a mind that is conscious and positive, and a spirit that is free and vibrant. I feel how vast my heart is and I am certain I have enough care and love for the world! I love me, the whole of me, inside and out.

12 Comments

  1. Its great to see that you are taking control of your life. I have a question….Have these changes brought you closer to people or further???? I watch so many go on these quest to find self and lose focus on the enjoyment they can get from connecting with others. Yes, it is important to know self because you need to be introduced but once we are introduced to others, we have to compromise to integrate. I am all for self-discovery but I am a Believer in “Love” (it’s my faith) and I would rather be we than I…. so my understanding is, True Love never wanders further then another’s heart!!!! ~AmazinglyBrash~

  2. Good question!
    Naturally I am a very reserved person so I don’t go about connecting with anyone. But I would say these changes having happened along a journey have gotten me both closer and further. Closer to those I am truly intimate with and share the same spirits and intentions, at the same time, further from those I was once close to but no longer serve me for many reasons.
    I love meeting people and find myself in everyone, but after truly loving myself you don’t go into connections just for the sake of it, I certainly no longer can allow myself to connect with those that don’t support me or my journey- in many instances they claimed they “love” me too. You gain this freedom of not just knowing but feeling this light within you that doesn’t need others to help glow. And I share it with those that get it otherwise I’ve learned it’s best to keep my energy protected unlike before.

    And you’ve said “I would rather be we than I..” For me, I’d rather be I and him or her and then a We.
    You don’t need to get absorbed in your self that you forget others- that’s navigating life from your Ego I believe not your Soul. We need others to know ourselves. It’s important to keep yourself humble and live in humility too.

    Hope I’ve answered your query! It’s definitely inspired me to write about that soon 🙂 so I thank you!

  3. Yes, you answered my question. I agree that we should walk along side those going in our direction. I disagree with remaining separate pieces, when you can merge to form one whole. I discovered self at 16 and once I find “me”, I realized that I am but a pieces to a big puzzles that needs to be completed. All my strengths were needed by others and all my weaknesses were strengths I would get from others. While searching, I was absorbed and distant but once I had “me” to offer, I served it on a platter for the world to digest. I started understanding that “self-discovery” was a tool to not just help others discover self but encourage them to connect to others that will bring them strength. I learned to heal pain we must show it, not walk away; to dispel hurt you must cry; I learned true strength is dealing with negativity by sharing positivity and allowing them to walk away if they can’t receive it. I seen your post and seen me in my “self-discovery” stage and thought I would write you and share my insight to the next phase….I am glad I can inspire you to share more, Love receiving as much as sharing. I enjoyed our back and forth (or enjoying if it continues)….

  4. I definitely agree on what you said and do feel the same.

    When you’re whole you have everything to offer others without expecting anything in return. They can walk away like said. You reach that wholeness through lessons you learn from dealing with others.
    As women I believe it’s that much harder to feel whole and esteemed, even more difficult to be vulnerable without not get easily manipulated and “used,” thus personal boundaries built are a must. Self-respect, esteem and so love is rare for most women unfortunately!
    I am also someone that always craved a oneness with another being and when that did happen, let me tell you it was anything but healthy although full of love and passion. You should definitely hand yourself and open to others but certainly not blindly. When it comes to love, many do it selfishly. I personally had to learn the hard way to stop being overly giving and my too kind self and “help” others at my sake and cost. Still working on that actually. That isn’t worth it getting involved with wrong people. But again, the paradox is it was in a sense cause they were my greatest teachers after all 🙂 but you can’t keep connecting with others you outgrew and/or that are spiritually dead… you simply end up draining your positive sources and getting burdened by unnecessary troubles and dramas of others. At least that was my experience, I can tell you though the more I love myself the more I offer the haters kindness and all that they do not give me in treatment and genuinely. When you know yourself and own it, no one can shake your ground! You act out of your truth regardless of who you deal with and how they treat you.

    I’ve never been one that has found her strengths in others though. That I cannot relate having been someone who is required to install that strength in others, often growing up I felt out of balance.

    I didn’t mean we remain separate pieces but one must respect another’s individualism, and self and it’s needs.. and vice versa, only then can you have a whole that does you good and keeps you sane!

  5. Did you ever think you were ahead of the game and just gave your heart to the wrong people???? As I suspected, this life change came out of pain. Vulnerability is a gift that woman should cherish and any person that would manipulate it, lack self-respect. Did you ever consider the purity of someone that has the ability to be manipulated? Sound to me like you have been hurt, so you are closing up the best parts of yourself because you believe they are what got you hurt. It wasn’t your “openness with another” that got you hurt ( that was healthy). I bet, it was the people you were attracted too that caused you the pain. Now, you’re more of a thinker than feeler; when you just needed to think about who you give your feelings to (so you can let go, be free). I read your post and it seemed sensible but it lacked feeling and life. The more you write back (to me), the more I see the softer side of you. You had strength in the past but allowed others to take it; so you closed off your heart and became all brain. Hoping you won’t get hurt again but your hurt yourself. I agree with you being around like-minded people but you must also be around like-hearted people as well. We are all blind hoping we have extra eyes to guide us.

    Let me start off letting you know, I don’t believe in “individuality”. I believe everyone has an identity and we were all born in pieces so we are forced to connect. Heaven is our ability to complete the puzzle and the whole world will come together as one….one faith (Love), one accord….but eat different foods, have separate interest, maintain the idea of favorites, etc. With that being said; when I say “one whole”, I mean being able to come to agreements dealing with principles, morals, beliefs….being accountable to honor the rules of the relationships they enter. Honestly using the human mind to honor the human heart to give us soul!!!!

  6. I’ve known nothing but pain by whole life and I have learned to love it actually! In the sense, use it constructively.

    And actually no one said I was hard hearted- I am pure, soft, and vulnerable and I think that’s what makes me strong. That was not the case before. You’re incorrect I was anything but strong before. I was simply cold and ill-tempered and faked self-esteem. Can’t compare to who I am today. And giving myself to “wrong” people has actually made me feel more than ever before and I did anything but think then lol. I think the case was I’d just learned to open up but then I became everyone’s “doormat” being new to feeling cut open and very kind.

    Also I do know I “gave” my heart to a wrong person and my time and energy to wrong people but the truth is before them I was a machine. That’s what I referred to my heart as. So in all essence, hurting made me human and gave me a whole new definition of strength.
    I never said being open is what’s wrong, it’s not. It’s the choice of who you connect and open to. Hurting isn’t something bad either in my opinion, it’s what you do with it that matters.

    I have to admit, I am a thinker. I think organs aren’t exactly wise, especially the heart. It often wants what it wants. If I choose to feel I do it maturely. As in I weigh my mind with my heart.

    100% on the lack of self-respect when it comes to manipulating vulnerabilities, for we all are vulnerable beings!

    And I do very much like your last sentence. And certainly coming to understanding to agree is a must between interactions.

    Ps. I’m not hurting myself, nor at all lately 🙂

  7. When you said you gave your heart, you didn’t mention you were cold, ill-tempered and had fake esteem; all making you harder to Love…. I was under the impression that you gave your heart fully but wasn’t getting the same in return. That’s the reason I stated you was stronger before. So in that case i was wrong. A person that uses their brain (organ) to pick people but their heart (organ) to Love them, will ultimately be able to surrender to the blinding faith of the soul. The heart is infinitely wise, it just trust the mind to select with benefits to its well-being. Any great leader must trust their followers with blind spots.
    It’s good that you’re no longer a “doormat” but I truly hope you are letting people live comfortably in your home. Though you will get over pain, I hope you don’t anticipate pain when people are giving you pleasure. It’s great to have the ability to recover but are you uncovered enough to feel the “Love” that will cause you the worst pain (in lost) but bring you the greatest pleasure (in gain).

    Are you sure you don’t LOVE my last sentence? Try and say it with me “Love”….

    P.S. When I say “hurting yourself” I meant using self Love not to give all of yourself to someone else!!!!

  8. I was very hard to get through to it took him over a year of relentless pursuit lol but yes if it comes to the heart, he did give me all of his. But that’s exactly my point- hearts aren’t enough in most realities.

    I don’t use my brain to pick whom I love, not at all. I use my heart, but then I choose the degree according to my mind.. Makes sense? When it comes down to it there’s nothing I do not find easy to love. But to the degree which I invest my emotions that’s up to my mind to control.

    And yes I’m uncovered enough and more than ever before no worries 🙂

    I’d never use self-love to not give myself as a whole to someone, I use it to give myself to only those that’ll be worthy of me. And I do feel complete without a significant other since I’ve achieved it, I experience love in all forms with close friends and family, my animals, strangers even… It’s more than enough for now at least 🙂

  9. That’s great you have improved your comfort to let go. I would recommend pick with your brain so you can let go comfidently with your heart….I believe the world is better in twos so I will be a romantic in that sense. My greatest accomplishment will be becoming a husband….everything else is a bonus. I have great friends which are my family. We are born into family but our friends reflect us….falling in Love is God’s selfish gift to us!!!!

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