That Light Within Me That Refuses To Settle..

I know the majority of girls grow up dreaming of that “special man” that “completes” their life, if not them. They grow into ladies and pursue that dream be it consciously or subconsciously, or because it’s “time” according to “their age” and society’s call. They get all excited about a wedding dress and event- be it to show it off or not- and a shared life and “stable lifetime”. I am happy for everyone that is genuinely happily- not just married- but married to someone they truly love and has returned mutual feelings and are growing together. But till today, my own family fail to grasp why I’m refusing marriage proposals and the idea of marriage at this phase of my life still.

Here’s the difference between the many of you and I: it’s simple- at least to me, while you were dreaming of all that I was out fracturing my bones on motorcycles, skateboards, and breaking green horses. I started yoga at 16 and thought it lacked intensity so I went into boxing. I did Olympic weight lifts as a daily addiction for years. I’d sprint before the sun rises till my heart would explode. I dreamed of waves to surf. I meditated. I went to the countries unvisited. I just always had something I did with full passion. And I did it with insanity, many of the extreme activities I went into left me with broken bones, sprained muscles, and strained ligaments in hospitals.

I dreamed of going to learn martial arts in China, live with monks for a year (still on my list). I dreamed of going to trek the Amazon rain forests, which I did make happen in the year of 2012. I long to go back to these estranged places, where nature many days was against me even.

And my mind was busy as I consciously put all my energy in healing my childhood issues and subconscious instead of using someone to escape them. I grew up for so many years without a father figure and with a mother that never understood or supported me, so I knew I had “daddy issues” and so on- which I have successfully conquered today. So in that essence, I never felt “incomplete”.

And my life was and is complete in the sense, I was busy having fun and being wild- till today it’s all I care about no matter what age I turn. I need to be light in spirit, humorous and have fun. I’ll always be the one dancing without music. And I just want to push myself every day. I want to do what I grew up hearing can’t be done cause of my age or sex or whatever.

I can’t live not challenged. I hate comfort. I hate routine. I hate the norms.

I live on the edge, even if it’s rocky- that’s my “comfort”!

I enjoy pushing my pain threshold.

I always craved nothing more than freedom, running free and alone, and just getting lost.

I craved a home thats beyond a person.

And till today, all I dream of is the next ocean to dive, the next mountain to climb, the next estranged island to be left in, the next tower or cliff to jump off, the next tribe to embrace, the next mind and physical challenge to conquer..

Who knows where life will take me, I am certain with my spirit it will be far. But as someone who’s embraced her inner light, I refuse to be with anyone that will dim it. In other words, I can’t be with someone “normal”.

I’m not so sure that every person is naturally born with a heart on fire and a passionate free spirit that just glows. But I do know that so many people grow up and kill that light within them, and that some don’t even know they have it. But I believe your light is your calling. It’s the best you that you can be, although, it’s one tough road filled with the most opponents to embrace it.

We kill the light by trying to “fit in” and in order to gain approval from family, others, and society.

This world tells us that all the answers lie outside of us, go to school, go to university, get a job, make a good income, get married, have children, and repeat your parent’s life basically; as though there is no other road to living.

They tell you a marriage without kids isn’t worthy. That you need to have kids and then give up yourself, life is all about them now.

They tell you love is being selfless that you go last and you don’t matter.

Society makes you believe that in order for you to be happy that you need to fit an already existing role. That you can’t be single. That you can’t not have children. That your happiness can’t be first. That you can’t do this at a certain age… the list goes on and on. They tell you to embrace silence, to remain calm, and just be typical and conventional.

Here’s the thing, I personally have tried when younger to “be normal” and dim my light, but it’s wild and fiery. It’s the strongest energy within me. Whenever I tried to dim it, I would burn or someone would tame me in his cage. Without my light, I settled like all of you. I was in relationships “just because he loved me”. I was following orders “just because they’re my parents”. I was employed “just because of the income and title,” although I was utterly miserable. I put people before myself, and they let me down- and I was suffering from what Trungpa Rinpoche has named “Idiot Compassion”. I took all the burdens and troubles of others, took all the fingers pointed, and I still insisted to be good to others thinking I can change them. They were feeding off my light, and day by day it simply vanished. I suffered the most during these days that turned into months and then years even.

Then I took extreme actions and a leap of faith. I turned to God in humility. I let go of everything and everyone that was toxic for me without looking back for once. And I embraced the unknown.

I embraced my light, which is my true and highest Self. It is the me within that has strong high values and does not bend them. It is the me within that believes in my great purpose and journey. The me that doesn’t need others and their opinions to be assured I am living a life that’ll go somewhere or at least be worth the ride.

I saw life as full of limitless opportunities and I could see how far I can go. I have accomplishments I am determined and fueled to make happen.

I did a list of all the qualities I want to become and for years I worked on them, these qualities that if I ever stumble upon a man in my journey I’d want them in him. The list was as follows: Self-loving; Passionate; Free; Kind, but not an over-giver ; Compassionate; Spontaneous; Carefree; Enthusiastic; Energetic, Fit, Healthy; Loving; Patient; Disciplined; Self-controlled; Confident; Honest, Integrity; Humble; and Creative.. the list is long really and I know many will question if a person can have all these qualities within them, and the answer is yes. So long as you’re honest with yourself and truly self-reflect and not disregard your shadows too.

I now listen to my powerful intuitions. I am in tune with my body. I am mindful in my every day. I am nourishing the source to make this light keep on getting brighter, and this is exactly why I can’t “settle” or “marry”. I can’t. I don’t feel there’s a man missing in my life, I’m not tempted to approve my many guy friends and be in a relationship of any sort because there’s no need if they won’t help me soar higher. I don’t want your average marriage that’s all about the extended families and then the kids. If I am to be in a relationship it will be about him and I, separately and as one. Our fire will burn brighter and brighter, and we need not anyone past us two to be called a “family”.

A dear friend of mine was just telling me, “stars are rare, you’re a star. You need another star- not just any guy or marriage.. or else you’ll die.” That is how I’ve always felt indeed.

And for now, that home I have longed for growing up, I have found it within me. And let me tell you, it’s addictive.


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