I have lived 24 years with my family and they still do not know who I am at heart and soul.
This goes to show you, you can be married to someone but be total strangers. Everyone that tells me “eshra/es7ra” (for those that do not know what it means, an Arabic term denoting “time spent if not decades with a person, particularly spouse”) that you will learn to love the person through it or know them truly.. or that it will guarantee you full commitment and loyalty within, or that the years spent with someone IS the unconditional love: fucking bullshit.
It is not only about seeing someone in health, sickness, and all their states and moods.. makeup or not, dressed or undressed… it is not merely about comfort; if you fart around one another, do not mind not shaving, hang in your greasy hair,.. It is not being in their face every day, stuck in a routine, living together that shows you the persons truth. All this is easy. This is the definition of a ROOMMATE and not a life companion/partner. The real way to know someone; it is by pure and total emotional intimacy, that is granted to you by the other and should be mutual- it should not be something you request or force. Physical intimacy is easy, particularly when so many especially men master just going with the motions and imagining other women and so on!
The tongue is key to the heart, not the body.
This means someone confiding in you at all times, and you being open to differences, knowing their dark secrets and not judging them and still loving them for their mistakes and flaws, it is being committed to listening and understanding, and accepting them for all that they are. It is sharing one’s fantasies and dreams, as well as, one’s pains, worries and grief. It is supporting what is best for them, even if you are not included in the bigger picture. It is freeing someone, not possessing him/her. It is helping them reach their best self and life even when you envy them for it cause you did not do that with your own life.
It is also helping another person discover parts of themselves through YOU. Being open goes both ways, but it cannot be forced from one end.
Likewise, truth be told.. if the loves not there, it is not.
If you do not belong, you just do not. No matter how many kids you have or how your in-laws bound you to one another!
It is easy to keep a marriage when you use your kids and extended family as the distraction.. but hey for those that say the time together is all that matters and reveals another person’s truth: come talk to me when the kids have grown up and moved out of the home! Nothing repulses me more than knowing that the majority of marriages would be broken up if it were not for children. Or that most couples only have sex as a mean to conceive and not to express abundant love and respect for one another.
The chief reason why men cheat? Well I used to think cheaters only want sex. But the truth is most men cheat because they want emotional intimacy. They want to find themselves in another, have another heart be their abode, and they crave a deep soul bonding. They want to unravel and cut open their insides to a woman; their beautiful and ugly thoughts, dreams, fantasies, fears, and truths. It is false stereotyping that the majority of men have sex unattached (maybe with the wrong spouse they’re ‘stuck’ with, yes). Both genders can do that depending on their experiences in life and it is also a choice to an extent. But what people need to realize is we all want an expression of love and intimacy that surpasses one that is just physical, especially as one gets older.
When I marry I want mind, soul, and heart intimacy to be a priority. They ARE love. The body then follows.
When you are with the right person, a relationship is easy! Trust me on that! So many people think that love is putting up with unacceptable behavior, settling for a rocky relationship and forcing it, tolerating things at ones own cost even, sacrificing till they feel deprived, and/or even suffering in sheer silence thinking this is commitment and so proof to love. This is not the love I know of. The love I know of seeks to listen with an open heart and mind, it hears out ones dirtiest of secrets, it wants the truth even if it means the person speaking is better off without the one listening, it is understanding and above all after has been said and heard, it is ACCEPTANCE.
On a similar note other than knowing a spouse, when it comes to connecting with anyone deeply really. Firstly, real relationships are not measured by the length of your knowing but by the depth of it and what you share. And by share I do not mean materials, tangible investments and/or family/relatives and so on- instead, what you share within and give of yourselves (without being asked for it even). I find that the majority of “my people,” those that I feel are my home are not of my religion, ethnicity, or race. It was never about a culture, traditions, or norms. It was about a mind, heart, and soul that connected and genuinely. It was about listening to understand instead of just reply and defend, and ACCEPTING differences above all else. You can find your home in anybody and everybody. Those titles and labels we are all born in can only close our mind and hearts if you let them define you. Ignorance always was and will be the number one enemy and barrier between us all. Let the good start with you, pray for your enemies as equal as your loved ones. They probably need help the most.
A few quotes I’ll leave you with:
“If the relationship you’re in takes constant, ongoing acrobatic maneuvers to keep it afloat, then it’s not a relationship; it’s a doomsday project. Relationships, in general, should be easy. If they’re taking a ton of work, a ton of the time, something’s wrong.”
“It can be difficult to leave a long-term relationship, even when our inner-wisdom tells us it’s time to let go. At this point, we can choose let go and endure the intense pain of leaving behind the familiar to make way for a new chapter in our life. Or we can stay and suffer a low-grade pain that slowly eats away at our heart and soul, like an emotional cancer. Until we wake up, one day and realize, we are buried so deep in the dysfunction of the relationship that we scarcely remember who we were and what we wanted and needed to be.”
“Love … Love is a gift that one person makes to another. It is a gift of the heart, and the heart “signs no documents”. It does not sign a lease, a mortgage, nor a bill of sale. It offers no warranties of service nor guarantee of faithfulness. It is well to remember this both that you have no inalienable right to another’s continued affection and that you have no obligation of your own always to love someone you once loved. Sometimes, if your own life is to add up, you must subtract yourself from someone else’s life. This time comes, I think, whenever you find that affection of love of someone else can only be kept at the cost of yourself. If you are on the receiving end of much criticism, if the other has nothing but dissatisfaction with you, if you have lost the sense that to be yourself is a good and decent thing, it is time to get out. If love lessens you, if an undeclared war is being carried on in it’s name, if it is painful and joyless, if it is an excuse for destructive demands, it is time to let the love go and save yourself. You will find another love, but not an other self.” – Author unknown