There is a lot said about being friends with Ex’s and in many cases it is impossible for some, yet, in marriages it is advised for it to be amicable if you wish to raise the kids healthy among you two although you are separated.
The thing is, when the breakup is a one-way decision, or if it involves unrequited love, or if one partner plays victim and blame games and/or has not accepted the separation- yes, it is impossible. The best thing to do in such a scenario is to distance yourself fully to heal and keep your sanity. You need to regain and be responsible for yourself and how you feel. Then face reality and accept.
I honestly believe, any mature responsible adult can reach peace with any Ex (unless they were abusive and maltreated you, best option there is to remove them for good). All it takes are some perquisites that I will mention later, and above all ACCEPTANCE of what you have reached. As well as, if there is still love on only one side, to make it is unconditional so that you would be able to let them go. This really only requires one thing: self-love.
Any person who loves her/himself would not want to keep another that obviously is not happy with them, grown apart from, and/or do whom do not love them! It is self-destructive for oneself and the kids if you have any, let alone if for a lifetime.
I personally never thought I would write this piece, I thought it was over for good since this last post. Today I learned that it is all about perspective that even if a person pursued you with ill intent and maltreated you at points, you can still reach peace and choose to focus on the good- even if for your sake solely, if not your partners.
What inspired me to write this piece is what I reached this summer and truth is it took two to reach it. So can you reach a peaceful ending with an Ex and even part in love?
My lesson learned is:
While it maybe easier to deny the good or focus more on the bad in order to get over someone, while it maybe easier to put the blame on someone else (even if they did play the bigger part and you were wronged)- nothing beats being responsible for oneself and thus being able to reach peace and part with love, as hard as it is.
It is much more difficult of course to part in love and one that you both know can never die and can only grow and help you both be your best, than it is to part someone you have outgrown, does not love you, and/or after a terrible fight and not standing the other or thinking low of them so to say.
A big part of it is love leaves room for hope. And when you are trying to let go for good, that hope should not exist.
It keeps you from living in today and moving forward, and instead stuck in your past.
It is why losing someone to death in most cases much easier than separating from someone; it is a grievance of its own, a death indeed, only they are alive and around you and you just cannot have them. And much has been said about humans wanting what and whom they cannot have syndrome!
Also, any relationship is harder to end than to start. But that is exactly why we should emphasize endings more than beginnings; you grow in them and not the latter!
Know that parting in peace and love does not just happen like that. Leaving a person that is a big part of you whom you love and shared a lot with requires prerequisites if you wish to say goodbye in peace and love- and not just say it but meant it and feel it with all your being.
If you were in too deep in a profound relationship, sure you know that your mind becomes clouded and you just do not feel or see clearly after all the years of drama, words added up, being emotionally worn out and carrying emotional baggage. When you have even the slightest of contact you will stay stuck on the past subconsciously.
It is like an addiction, you cannot be friends with an Ex at least not right away and you certainly cannot do moderation or control particularly when your link was inner and you still are or were fresh lovers. You are lying to yourself! Any contact, no matter how little and quick, will take you back subconsciously and keep you hung up in the what was and what “could” and “should” have been.
Moreover, let me tell you:
Closure is bullshit. You give it to yourself, not your partner! You don’t need his/her permission to be happy and move on with your life- enough explaining and debating.
Every time we said we want closure, he would spin me back into his webs!
Certainly: Do not get physical with him/her thinking it can only be casual. For the majority- if not all- women, sex much more powerful than when it comes to a man- it will fog up your brain, screw your hormones, over-attach you, and cloud the truth. Especially if there is still love between you and you do not just have sex but make love- you are only making it evermore harder on yourself.
So the prerequisites to reach an amicable separation you ask?
SPACE, TIME, AND DISTANCE.
Because the truth is, sometimes you are so deep into the relationship that to end it in peace you need to just break lose no matter how extreme or temporarily “bad” the break-up is, and believe that with TIME and DISTANCE you can later come to talk with only the truest of emotions at heart. You will not be clogged by nonsense and you are free to see things clearly cause you have gotten the weight of it all lifted by then and so are able to see the truths from an outsiders point of view, as well as, feel clearer.
Also, although it may feel like the last thing you want to do is not see them or hear or them, the truth is if they are out of sight they are out of mind; the best thing to do for yourself is stay away.
Months of travelings solo and being around my best friends abroad really helped me gain myself once more through full detachment and not being consumed in what was or is, just letting the emotions sink in then fleet me by, and to see the bigger picture of my life and all that is.
I have to say, I hate how so many tell themselves their lives have ended and over, just because a relationship has now been put in the past for good.
It is empowering to see breakups and endings like I do: Opening doors to brighter new better beginnings.
I have come to learn to love endings, because I love not knowing what comes next, at the same time, I am sure it will be better than anything I ever experienced before because every day I am growing to the better and learning to master self-love and reflect it everywhere and everyone.
One of the greatest teachers in this life that reflects the work we need to do within is what we see in others and experience and reveal in relationships.
However, if you waste this time spent apart playing victim, then you will get nowhere! You should use this time to really look within, self-reflect, be responsible for the outcome and the good and the bad, remember the good and bad, be honest with yourself (sure you have played your part), and choose and put all your energy in healing.
To reach a peace with someone you need to have reached it within you first; towards yourself, the situation, and then him/her.
Secondly, you must meet your own needs: emotional, physical, spiritual, and sexual.
As well as, find your passion and purpose.
And just do you! Your own self-care will be your backbones at times of separation from a beloved.
It is also important you surround yourselves with family and friends that love you and would support your decision and truth.
Depending on how long you have been together- and more than that, the depth of your connection- and how strong the individual is, it may take more time and distance than others. For some 6 months no contact is enough, others a years, and others three years! But just know whatever your relationship and whether the end was forced or not; you can always reach peace and part as the best of friends and companions you were, to the least.
Do not become bitter knowing a relationship has to “end,” instead let it make you love much more fiercely!
Finally, when it comes to being friends with Exs… unless you are married and got kids it is a must, and usually in this case it is easy because to have divorced means there are lots of problems, unrequited love, outgrown each other, or so on and it is a decision you both took unlike being forced to part. But in the scenarios’ of true lovers that never wanted their relationship over and it was intense and passionate; sorry to say you cannot be friends.
In conclusion, when it comes to ending relationships, even if you cannot do it with love because you do not want to or feel bitter or betrayed, always always choose peace.
If you’ve reached peace with the situation, and above all else, yourself (STOP playing victim!)- you can reach peace with your Ex. Your destiny is never tied to someone who wishes to part you or cannot love you for all the uniqueness that you are (and I mean every part of you from your flesh to your insides) anyways.
Also, know that you accept the love you think you deserve in accord to your own self-love- or lack of it.