Confessions + My Reincarnation

Dear subscribers and readers,

First, let me apologize for my disappearance and having turned this blog private. It was for a few reasons, mainly an issue with needing privacy and to restart.

I did turn the blog back on instead of creating a new one mainly for professional reasons that require me to have it up and running.

I honestly want to embark on a totally fresh start, just as I have been doing in my life, and move to a new blog. Primarily because I have changed so much already. This is exactly why I would never get a tattoo, I am too impermanent to have anything fixed imprinted on my skin.

If I could go back to just a few months time, I would have edited and removed chunks of sections from what I posted. To be more truthful, as hard as it will sound, just rereading some now, I have several pieces that I myself as the writer do not like and cannot stand reading, which I would totally have not posted or tackled such topics to begin with. Namely, the relationship ones, which I have to say, were due to going through very bad experiences and writing was indeed my one and only catharsis. Talking to people got old, I wanted to reframe it all, and in the sense that I took the worst and tried to extract the light from all that was wounded and painful. But today a big part of me thinks I should have done that privately without posting.

I admit I was writing straight from my mind without second thought, and I did not really take the time to review. Actually, wrote with blood and tears at points. The majority of the posts, if not all, were written through my notes on my IPhone as well- so no Microsoft Word to help review. Talk about rushed vents.

I also wish I would have read other bloggers writings. I am absolutely ashamed I never read other bloggers works, even those that subscribed. I apologize. I am even more ashamed that I was so caught up in my own life and the people that were raiding it trying to drag me down with their wretched useless baloney.

Anyways, what was written has been posted and long seen. No use of looking back. And even with the posts I would not post today, or at least not in the structure and mean of writing I did, although they are posted it is still no barrier. Any instant is one to start fresh.

Let us talk about an update in the now, life in London has been quite the ride in terms of settling, which I finally have.

Here is a status I’ve written on FB around three weeks ago to sum up the settling-in-phase:

“Here I am making a vulnerably human confession: I preached for years you get out of your comfort zone, make changes, take risks, that it is never too late to turn things around. But moving away, first time I am fully alone I am realizing how hard it truly is to start a new life and a new self. Especially when ones been in an unhealthy environment and/or relationships. I have got more healing to do, as we all need, having been in a country and among those I do not belong, and for so long. My confession is: At points I missed the comfort of living in my bubble in Egypt even knowing that the comfort there was my own annihilation literally, like so many live. I am saying this to show you how challenging it is and gets. How so many would rather roam life half dead just to know it will not get worse and out of comfort. It is sad but we all live with our own fears and worries as our roadblocks. It is only the beginning for me though, and I know I will make sure to make the best happen. Whatever life throws, keep riding the waves! Do not be a dam, when you can be the river. The best lies ahead.”

Since, things have gotten much easier. The workload for my masters is reasonable thus far, but a lot of tasks to complete and responsibilities to delegate. Have to start working on my dissertation as of this week.

My paramount accomplishment thus far is all the work I have put in my own healing. By that I mean mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The extent of commotion, traumas, and stress I was dealing with back “home” really took its toll on me beyond measure. All the damage revealed once I got here, little by little, it sneaked. I thought once I just leave all will be good, healthy, and magically fall into place- I was wrong. The harm was subconscious it seemed.

The fact is: you cannot turn the page on something unless you allow yourself to feel it all.

This meant going through a process of grief and learning the greatest spiritual lesson of all. I had to grieve the bereavement of layers of myself, besides those from my past. I had to lament what could have been, but did not. It was a procedure of spiritual shedding in that sense. Till all the weight was lifted and my heart and soul were light again. Today I am ready to fly. I am transparent, yet unshakable.

Here is where the greatest spiritual lesson you will ever learn should come in: Self-compassion. They always say that you cannot forgive others unless it starts with forgiveness towards oneself. Personally, I can forgive others much easier than myself. It has always been my nature to beat myself up for little things because  I am so determined to self-improve daily and never do “wrong” even if it is a humanly mistake everyone would do. Equally as well, I am guilty of taking care of others before myself.

In the past, whenever I would find that I am sinking into a little dark black hole where life gets unbearable, I would remove my focus from my life into another, and lend so many more hands than the two I was gifted with.

I do not really know what it is, but sometimes the only way to feel better is through helping others, causing them smiles, being productive, and just staying true to your purpose at making this world a better place one person at a time.

But this time around for once I had to stay in that darkness and find my way through it. I was no allowed to distract myself and add to my aches given my sensitive nature. Once I got through it and alone, only then did I allow myself to live by my nature: To give, give, give.

Self-compassion is empowering.

If you understand and believe that everyone, including yourself, did the best they could then and I mean even your parents that disappointed you and your loved ones that harmed you, they all did their very best and all that they can. And then practice making sure your self-talk is constructive and being your best of friend, self-forgiveness gets easy.

You must believe that all that has happened to you is for a higher purpose. You will get there. You just got to see the light, even if you have to create it.

The worst of times are all preparations for the greater days ahead to come. This can only happen when you stop rehearsing a past story, stop defining yourself by what has been done, accept it, take the lessons, and let it all go for good.

And finally, always look within for answers, not outside. It is more excruciating indeed, but it is the only way. Sit with your painful thoughts and feelings, work through them. Confide in a Source higher, feed your faith and not your past, mistakes, or problems.

Today, I am almost entirely healed I would say. And it is astounding how I see, feel, experience, and write things from a different view today. I no longer have this layer of broken debris concealing my emotions and perceptions. Even in my dairies, my prose has totally changed. My voice has altered. And there is so much I wish I had done differently in Egypt that would have prepared me better for here today, but I am already here. So this simply means I will have more to do than most. That does not scare me not one bit.

I do believe with all my heart, you can be anything and anyone you wish to be and at any age of your life, you will just have to work harder than most people.

I have a lot that I want to do alongside my masters too in terms of my three other passions that I insist on practicing alongside my studies, maybe even one day qualify to train them myself. Till then, I am doing all I can and more meanwhile letting life unfold as I fully embrace my emancipation.

So work hard, align your mind and heart with your dreams, enjoy the beauty in every given day, and let life unfold at it’s own pace.

Best regards,

Salma

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