Addicted to Celibacy or Fear of Commitment?

I find it ironic that so many people take me as the wise adviser and “relationship expert” in life when I have chosen to remain single for most of it.

Years ago I was asked to help many from married, to single, to divorcees of all ages, and I did. But let me tell you, it worked because what I am best at is simply being honest about the following:

I do NOT have the answers to everything, or anything for that matter. Especially when it comes to relationships of commitment. The one relationship I master is that with myself. Which I have to say, is the hardest for the majority.

What I have written below, I have always said to those that asked I help them. Lately it has been many single friends who pose me questions in fear… sorry to shock you all with my reflections.

Fear of commitment?

Let me sell myself out here, my sole fear in life maybe…commitment. Not merely commitment in a general sense, because I am a very disciplined committed person in my every day life. I mean I wake up 5:00AM sharp without need for an alarm, I get on my mat, I go train. I eat healthy as no chore. I do my duties without thought. I take care of myself and others without expecting anything in return. So I am a responsible committed person. But, I fear commitment to the “wrong” person, or to “right” one only to find out there is no chemistry possible, or more like commitment to ONE person in this world for a “lifetime”.

What scares the hell out of me even more is the thought that even after all I have been through, seen, and learned that there are no guarantees I end up in the same situations I scorned. This is when I wish I did not know so much of what goes on behind closed doors. I was not aware back then that while I was genuinely helping others, I was simultaneously traumatizing myself too.

Thus far, I have chosen to remain single for a few reasons. I have written about it several times as well. But the truth is, I am changing very fast. The longer I am single the more I cannot imagine ever having to give up that freedom. I am addicted to my own company and space. I am no longer sure this is positive or negative.

I tell myself hopefully it is because I have not met “the right one,” and not because I have developed an addiction to celibacy or a commitment phobia- considering I do not even know how to sit still on a chair- I need to always be moving, challenging myself, discomforted, growing, and changing…but only God knows.

That word “lifetime” many vow to others so easily; I applaud you all if you plead, mean, and live it in action every day of your lives from there on. But for me, the only person I am certain I want to and can commit to for a lifetime is myself. After that it is my family, the people/animals I love, and my aspirations. I would never utter it without being sure that I shall live up to my pledge every single minute of my days from there on.

This brings me to the next topic in relation…

When self-work backfires!

Knowledge, especially that gained from first hand experience unfortunately is not always “the more the better”.

You see, when your priority is to work on your self-improvement, a relationship is not really something you crave if you are doing it right. You become self-fulfilled.

I used to feel a desire for a companion and my motherly instincts would kick in when younger- but now I do not even envision either. When I look forward and meditate upon my future, I do not see a man in it. Or babies (unless adopted if I reach desperation, and I can afford giving them the highest of education). Was that how I intended to come out? Nope.

Sometimes I would question why I am not a “normal” lady who has typical “girl dreams” and would grow to fulfill her “purpose as a woman”. But really, it just never was or will be me. My purpose is different. I wish I could have made my parents “happy” and been their “ideal” girl considering I am their only too, but sadly it is not the case; I cannot sell my heart and soul away for nobody.

I have become the man I always wanted growing up. I am my own father, brother, caretaker, best of friend, greatest companion…you name it. I fostered every single quality I desire in a man in myself. The primary reason to me becoming so self-reliant is the fact I went through many hell’s and I learned early on to be there and take care of myself with absent male figures in my life as a child. I grew up hugging myself with my own arms when I needed an embrace. I wiped my own tears away and I made them my strengths.

It seems to me that it is a catch-22 with almost everything in life. I for example, worked on myself inside out, every day, and for years to the extent I have outgrown the majority of the world’s populace, long ago. I recall I started this journey assured that the more I improve myself, the easier a healthy love must find me. So not the case. If not, the opposite has occurred.

The closest of my friends are at least a decade over my age, and that is no surprise. I actually am the leading character in all my friendships even being the young one. Since I’ve been through it all, it is almost impossible to get my interest or even attention.

I only meet three criteria of people lately:

  1. Ones who end up loving me to obsession in worship because to them I seem “perfect”, and that is certainly not an attractive or healthy love, I end up mothering them- which I quit doing, I refuse to save people from themselves (I also do not believe in perfection, I am simply authentically myself, and human).
  2. Ones I scare off easily because I am “hard work to get” and “too much to handle”. A strong woman does not have to do much, if anything, to scare most men away. Particularly when the world is filled with women that throw themselves on men open legged.
  3. Or finally, extremely rare ones that are like me… whom if they’re single by the time they are in their mid 30s they probably do not want to settle at all either. The older we get the more free-spirited we become. I thought I would tame my feral self as the years pass by, again, total opposite. I simply know how to fake “normal” better at certain surroundings and situations.

Of course there are those that just want to fuck around, which never was or will be my thing. My body is as equal to my heart and soul. I will not give away parts of myself without a greater purpose. People underestimate the power and sacredness of their bodies exchanged.  Plus, it defeats the point of my journey to my best self to abuse my body like that for temporary gratification.

The issue with most marriages today

In my case, I am still in my 20s but everyone knows I have lived fast and my soul’s way beyond my years.

I am hoping it is not fear of commitment to a person that will not allow me to settle down, but it is fear of commitment to mediocrity, norms, extended chains of our parents and society, etc. which is how I view most marriages today.

People marry and they just die as individuals and together, and sooner than later they spend their lifetimes escaping their lives through their children and a lost society.

Everyone that knows me knows I grew up without belonging to any society, I have always been a nonconformist. I believe you should always question the masses. I was not made to follow. I evolve on a daily basis, I would suffocate in stagnation.

I also have a precise vision of a partner in terms of character qualities and how I would want our relationship to be with an emphasis on us as individuals, growth, adventure, passionate love, and so on. Let us just say, I may never meet someone who would suitor up but that is my point: I am not looking and if I do not meet someone, it is really no problem. I have fully accepted this and the thought no longer shakes me. I will not give up my freedom and life when I already can please myself on all levels and do not crave another.

Settling is no longer an option

It is common sense that the more experience you have in life, the wiser and more mature you get, the harder it is to settle. I see myself alone. That is my happily ever after. I gained myself. I am also surrounded by loved ones, it does not have to be just one significant other.

Moreover, the one reason that is a motivation for many to settle lately: the physical, it is no issue for me. It is funny how doctors and parents recommend their kids get married once hormonal issues rise in early adulthood. Absence of sex does affect a person physically. But let me tell you, it gets easier to live without sex the older you get. You find other outlets to expend energy in without needing to use another person. I for example cannot go a day without killing my body through training, as well as, meditating. They are my means to tame my impulsion’s that I chose to not act on. I need to break my body down to be able to rest at night because I am extremely hyper, always on, and energetic of nature.

So whenever  I am asked by other alphas in this life if they will “ever find someone,” I really have no clue. My response always is:

I personally know I can not settle with just anyone, my standards are far too high now, and I no longer mind being single forever, for I am anything but lonely.

Know that, yes, I drop tears in sincere smiles when I see the rare elderly couples in embrace in parks and true love that lasts knowing I may never have that, but I am grateful others get to experience this and for a lifetime even if it is not written for me. At the end of every day, all that matters is that I have lived in line with my truth and in love every single day, with or without a man.

May you all find the love you desire and deserve. And if you do not, may you know from the depth of your being that you are never alone, you are loved and it will be better than okay 🙂

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