It has been quite the time since I wrote anything with the intent of ever publishing it online. The reasons being, firstly, I am hardly ever online and secondly, I’ve been too busy living and literally accumulating experiences, this time around without the need to share. I am growing more and more private with time.
This post will be the first to a series; an introduction to my journey of enlightenment. Although it may seem to be addressing dating experiences at the start, this post has really nothing to do with dating but humanity in general, and the pace in which humans are meant to grow.
The next post will be about the unenlightened – what lead them to becoming as such, and why they (chose to) remain that way. Following that, a post about why I could have been exactly like them but chose a different path, and then finally, a post for the lovers and healers in this world.
Given my introverted nature and need for (more like addiction to) solitude, for the past year I decided I’d change and put myself out there more than ever before.
I stopped saying no to most that crossed my path, and signed up for well, nothing. My only desire was to get to know a person and well. No need to define what we had. Just a wave to ride without knowing where it’ll go. So unlike me. The control freak that needs to draw boundaries all over and know it all.
I already have more than enough best friends worldwide, both females and males. And while I never believed in pure friendships between the opposite sex- they are more likely possible when younger, versus older. At my age, any man I attracted, friend-zoning him was impossible.
We reach a certain time as adults when we approach the opposite sex with a checklist, tests, and pressures, which of course ruins my favorite part of any interaction and relation: getting to truly know a person.
But oh well.
So onto the “modern dating” world I plunged (it sucks FYI, this needs an entire other post).
In the modern dating world, it’s all rules (I’m certain you know them better than me anyways). Extremely pathetic ones I must say. I gladly broke every single one. I don’t live my life calculating my words and actions with others in mind. I live it naturally, navigating from my truth. If I want something, I’ll ask for it to your face. That certainly was enough to scare most. My only rule was to continue to do good to myself first and foremost, do good to others, and enjoy their company. There was no game to play. No wait. No act to put up. I don’t have time for that shit.
At the start it all seemed too good, and honestly, this is when I worry. If he’s too personable, that’s the biggest red flag in my book. But this time around I told myself to drop that belief, that maybe a few out there are as great as I am.
Guess where I landed? Disappointment after disappointment. Even when I had zero expectations and desired no outcome- I went in simply wanting to know a person’s heart and soul, and no more- their truths exposed as alarming, and they managed to say and do things that were just entirely inconsiderate and shameful. The 180 switch of character some did was extremely mind-boggling.
I was reminded of why I always chose to remain reserved and single. I can count on my fingers the few I truly love, and on one hand of whom I think well. Because the genuine and good in this life are indeed that rare.
The more I got involved with others and got to know their truths (sadly what they hid), the more I was disappointed in humanity.
People today, prefer silence over confrontation. And if they do talk, they say anything BUT what they mean. I realized I wasn’t dealing with adults no matter their age, but children. Were I had to teach them how to openly and respectfully communicate. Phones didn’t make it much easier either.
My belief that the majority of individuals not only do not evolve with age, but they abate, was confirmed. Hello, devolvement. They accrue traumas and baggage and allow themselves to get bitter with age, meanwhile, mastering appearing perfectly presentable on the outside and in utterances. Those with the best of reputations, knew not one thing about altruism, or to the least, living with a conscience.
Then came the issue of inconsistency in all characters. An inconsistency so extreme and sudden it makes one question his/her own high intuitions and senses. Their emotional instabilities sooner or later begun to shake my firm grounds. It was in that instant that I did what I always do: speak up loudly in honesty, wish them well, and ta-ta.
As an evolved woman, it was easy to gulp down these experiences and continue to move forward. I know myself best and take nothing personally. I also hardly ever (almost never) attach emotionally. I approach each person in life as a learning experience. In my mind, every involvement with another had nothing to do with them, but me. It was an opportunity for me to grow. Crossing paths was no coincidence.
The most challenging part was not allowing the behaviors of others to dictate mine.
I told myself,
Be good even if he’s bad.
Be honest even if he lies.
Be kind even if he’s unkind.
In the end, it’s all about you, not him. Stay true to you.
While the above is an overstatement, for example, they weren’t entirely dishonest but instead, their artistry was to appear so respectable and kind in public, yet, their truths showed the complete opposite once they got comfortable and the doors closed. They certainly weren’t unkind or bad either, just lost unstable men that are unsure of their true needs and desires, and were greatly shaped by society. Thus, their behaviors’ would seem offensive to those that live like me.
When I was growing up (still am), I remember thinking about a decade ago that the more I worked on myself, the more I am bound to attract only the like evolved men. The more I loved myself, the more I attracted healthy individuals.
It’s absolute bullshit.
Unfortunately, the majority of people do not go through this life deliberately putting themselves at the top of their own priority lists. They don’t care for conscious awakening or truly knowing themselves, instead, they drown themselves in outside distractions and lost others to “belong” and feel more “whole”. Escape after escape. Brutal working hours so they wouldn’t face their mirrors unless at the end of their days when they’re about to crash. There are very few that have chosen to live this life responsibly fully in control of their thoughts and emotions, and even fewer that have formed their own perceptions and beliefs and live by their own conduct never concerned by others or the need to judge to feel better about themselves.
Really, how many of you are not afraid to recognize and express the depth of who you truly are and what you truly need, even if it goes against the majority? How many of you are not afraid to be stripped soul-bare to the public? To open your minds, hearts, and homes in day and night with not one ounce of shame when it comes to what you would display? To speak about your mistakes proudly, your fears, and your fantasies?
The hardest job we’re handed in this life is to discover and stay true to, and take good care of OURSELVES. It will remain the biggest challenge as well in a world filled with things and people devised to distract us from what truly matters: our inner journey.
Know that you cannot reach a conscious awareness without acknowledging, befriending and working with your pains and darkness. It’s absurd how people will do almost anything to avoid facing their own heart’s and soul’s. But really, the gate to enlightenment starts by tapping into the darkness within you, with zero judgments and full acceptance.
As for me, meeting people that are devolved and have let me down has actually been the greatest blessing. They are the reason I continue evolving for they helped me realize whom I’ll never become, what I’m truly made of, and the fact there is no one and nothing I can’t handle.
If you’d asked me a few years back about the hurtful behaviors of others, I would have to an extent taken it personally.
When you’re young, you always try to find the faults in yourself, particularly when you’re still getting to know yourself and are attracting the same scenario’s on repeat. You think and are told that the only thing in common is “you”, so “it’s you that you must fix”.
The truth to my case today is the absolute opposite, and it was a much tougher reality to swallow because after all, I have the control to change and fix myself however, not others. Here is the truth I discovered:
The world is filled of people that are suffering, many of which that self-inflict pain. Their behaviors are merely reflections of how they treat themselves. I’m lucky enough to be one of the rare unbreakable healers so it is only the norm they’ll keep letting it out on me, and I can only thank them.
I also know that this path that I have chosen will mean that I will continually be disappointed because others are not only not growing at my pace, but backwards. I’m absolutely fine with that as well and will be writing a post on how I deal with this personally at some point.
For now, when it comes to dating, I’m putting my phone on Do Not Disturb for a long while, were only the men that matter in my life can reach me (sums up to my dad, brother’s and best friends…how I’m grateful for all of them 😊).