I still fail to comprehend people that put so much effort in appearing good and keeping up a “reputation”?
While I never gave a damn of other thoughts’ and opinions’ of me- when I was young it troubled me that I was always misunderstood. As a naïve child, belonging meant being accepted and finding comfort in sources outside of me, instead of within.
I realized early on though, that the more I spoke in attempt to clear up misunderstandings, the more it backfired.
As the years passed and I leaned more towards seclusion; I got to know and I understand myself. I became my own priority, and out of that daily self-love in action I slowly but diligently developed resilient trust, confidence, and respect for myself. I found comfort within myself.
This understanding of self at first was more an allowance to be fully human. Being human entailed facing many truths, of which were unpleasant to confront, thanks to traditional upbringings and societal norms.
Take for example, my shame. I was raised in a society where there was one path already predetermined for the majority by their elders. A path where your dignity, needs and certainly desires were all denied. Lust was seen as sinful, to the extent, I could not utter the word. But I quickly recognized the hazards of denying oneself the basics to our desires. The danger lied in the fact that everyone knew deep down that they needed to fulfill their yearnings one way or the other, but the shame meant they only embraced their truths behind closed doors, which only created a society of self-hating hypocrites. Luckily for me, it was a path I refused to follow.
I personally used the word “love” instead, presuming it’s superior, if only because it’s supposedly “purer” (given lust to many is mere sexual desire). But love has never really gotten me to fall…and witnessing the unions of others, I quickly found out it isn’t so wholesome after all.
Life was colorless then; a boring black and white were society praised me for all the hard walls I had up proclaiming as strength.
I let no one in, not even myself. (Not to mention, I was extremely egoistic then).
As I got older, I searched for and embraced my truths; the light and dark. I practiced seeing myself in others. And with time, I got softer and lustful. I stopped seeing lust as something evil.
To me, lust is now simply about embracing the passionate burning soul within me, according to my conduct. My lusts are my strong desires and RIGHTS to live, to dance, to caress, to eat, to feel, to sing, to laugh madly for no reason even if I am deemed crazy, and to love wildly…TO BE HUMAN. I embrace all my desires without shame. Everything I do, I do it because I want to.
Being human also meant I had to acknowledge my Creator, for His opinion only mattered. Acknowledging Him didn’t mean I live secluded and refrained from all pleasures in life either, to the contrary. It’s not a black or white approach to living where I worked to be a certain way. And it certainly isn’t about attaining perfection.
I never thought I’d be on the spiritual journey I embarked on 8 years ago today. I never aimed to be good. Goodness unraveled as a consequence of trying to be unapologetically and fully myself.
The most difficult battle we face as humans is within. We are our own greatest enemies. No one can offer you acceptance, peace, and unconditional love when you have not done that for yourself.
Knowing myself best and coming to peace with my past only happened when I accepted the fact I made and will probably continue to make mistakes.
I also realized that there are “sins” I not only do not see in the same light as many that condemn them, but I can full-heartedly say doing them was worth it. They made me a better person. We all sin, one way or the other. And who are you to judge the actions of others, especially when we are created equals?
One of my favorite quotes growing up was Joyce C. Bell’s:
“The difference between my darkness and your darkness is that I can look at my own badness in the face and accept its existence while you are busy covering your mirror with a white linen sheet. The difference between my sins and your sins is that when I sin I know I’m sinning while you have actually fallen prey to your own fabricated illusions. I am a siren, a mermaid; I know that I am beautiful while basking on the ocean’s waves and I know that I can eat flesh and bones at the bottom of the sea. You are a white witch, a wizard; your spells are manipulations and your cauldron from hell yet you wrap yourself in white and wear a silver wig.”
The problem is in self-shaming. When you do doing things and feel the need to cover them up, just because they don’t fit in the boxes of society’s “right” or “wrong”. Or even worse, when you repeat actions that require you disregard your conscious without knowing how to deal with the turmoil that comes as a consequence.
But to me, the biggest of a problem is living like a hermit and walking around thinking you’re a God that can pass judgments about your fellow beings.
I also don’t understand how people can waste away the biggest gift that is life, living in seclusion, abstaining from all worldly gifts and pleasures and instead, pursuing chastity and clutching to innocence as a shield from living in hopes of being propelled to a better life after?
They merely exist in life choking on death, not having realized they’re already dying in slow doses. And that’s the worst death of all.
I know one too many people worry of a hell after this life, I tell you, there’s a hell in this life too. It may not literally burn your skin…but it’ll burn from the inside, out.
And if there’s a hell on earth, then there’s heaven as well.
My philosophy is that I might as well enjoy my limited time here; living fearlessly, in freedom and laughter, and giving of myself to others. I can only hope to never cause others hurt I have experienced in pursuing my journey either.
I don’t fear death. I fear a life not lived, fully and on my terms. I fear not having shared the best of myself with those that matter in my life before time’s up.
Today, I live saying “Yes” to life and what scares me. I have been choosing to go with the flow of life. Whatever life hands me, I greet it openly with love and laughter. Having said that, I continue to say “No” to what overrides my values, of course.
The beauty in embracing yourself fully and in remaining soft regardless of others and life is that you become unbreakable. No matter what one says or does, your heart is yours and your spirit is indestructible.
Having said that, if you want to survive living so innocently in your wildness, make sure to keep your personal boundaries clear and firm, ride the waves on your terms because I assure you, some people will make it their life mission to break you.