I write hoping my words bring some clarity and light to those that always give and never take, to those that hurt on repeat and can only love harder, to those that were born to heal; themselves and others.
I see humans in two categories:
Category A: Those that heal.
Category B: Those that need healing, which far outnumber the healers. They’re the ones that inflict most pain on themselves (without realizing it), and so others.
From a very young age, people turned to me in moments of hardships. Given my character, I made sure to be present and stood strong. I took the burdens of others as though they were my very own. By that I mean not merely being beside them and lending of myself, but also, feeling their exact losses. As an already sensitive, introverted individual, that was still learning to manage her woe and emotions- it was not easy. The pains of others brought me more suffering than my own. Being young and naïve, I truly thought I could save others from suffering, especially if it was the kind I endured all alone.
During my teen years, I questioned why I only attracted wounded people in my romantic relationships. I’d ask myself with every dating experience, “Why do you keep attracting the same broken, pyschopatic men?” I would conclude that I needed to work on myself more. I never pointed a finger except at myself, and the more I underwent; the more I chose to turn inwards to healing and enlightenment. The better I got at dealing with my own hell within, the better I got at handling the fire from others.
My family would tell me, “All your best friends are dark; they’ve all lost a family figure, had a life-changing tragedy, grew up in detrimental homes and are prone to emotional extremities. Why can’t you be friends with normal, happy, and sane people that grew up in healthy environments?” My answer was that the majority that have not suffered much in life, are not of quality characters. They were too empty within for my knowing. I could only allow those that mirrored me in; those that were living aflame. But today, looking back, I know we crossed paths for me to heal them on whatever scale I was capable of then.
Every person I attracted, I had the same role but in different titles: the therapist, the mother, the counselor, the provider. I had to make sense of everything for others, and leave them better than I left them. It didn’t even matter if we were close, people would come up to me and open-up about their bleakest secrets in tears. It happened so often too, and without me having to utter a word, that I began to think that my purpose is to mend others. I unintentionally taught them to depend on me for everything; at the very first instant of fear or pain, they’d rush to reach me.
Ultimately, putting others first, meant many days I went second, if not last. When you’re young, your body easily bears so much without side effects, but with the passing years, that surely started to change.
Early 2013, I decided to keep my giving-nature reserved and controlled to only those worthy, for me that meant my best friends solely. I had written the following:
“As a recovering over-giver, I now begin to see things in a different light. Living by words such as Mother Tersea’s, “Give until it hurts,” is no longer a preaching or practice of mine. The lesson I’ve been enlightened with: giving people more of yourself and/or possessions when they’re not emotionally capable of comprehending and receiving those givings will leave them with no other option but to hate you.
I am who I today, a great young woman with character and strength, because I went through all my sufferings and hardships ALONE. Not one support. I was my own helping hand at all times and worst of moments. But there I was over-giving, thinking that I should be the person I wish was there for me growing up for guidance to others, spare them the sufferings, make them not repeat my mistakes and do better. But now I see, when you try to help in every way that isn’t spirituality. Why? You’re disrupting the natural course of their learning. You’re editing their destiny. And that’s not for us to do, it’s for forces much greater.
Certainly, those that aren’t ready can never be capable to receive any help. Likewise, with those that don’t believe they can change or help themselves. You can only harm yourself in the process of trying to help them no matter how much you give and how well your intentions and actions.
As a wise friend of mine has told me: ‘If you’re truly spiritual or even aspiring to be one you surely must know to let people follow their Dharma so that their wheel of life moves on. By ‘helping’ you could obstruct a spiritual process much larger than you. Who helped you while you were growing up facing these problems? No one, you helped yourself. Now we are talking true spirituality!’
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always give. But I’ll keep it reserved and controlled above all else.”
As I got older, choosing to constantly give to my closest loved ones started to weigh on me, particularly that I had so many around the world. I realized that even those that should know me best were so used to me being a superwoman that they knew no other way but to keep taking from me, regardless of my state at certain points in life. It wasn’t that they were being inconsiderate, but simply, they could not imagine I would one day crumble and ask for distance. They forgot that at the end of every day, I was human too.
This time around, it wasn’t that my energy was out-of-balance, but instead, the fact I was absolutely done sharing misery. I was done suffering. I had just spent over two whole years alone working through my own anguish, past, and emotional traumas that my body even manifested into major health issues. When I was ready to allow people in again, I only had peace, positivity, happiness, laughter, adventure, health, and unconditional love to share.
When I tried to explain my point, they’d deem me selfish. For the first time of my life, I didn’t take more than I could bear silently, instead, I reacted with tough love and forced them to space, which left them disappointed and feeling abandoned. I questioned if I was indeed too tough, selfish, or insensitive…but deep within, I knew this was the right thing to do, and that when they’re ready they’ll come reach out to me and thank me for forcing leaving them unaccompanied.
I only begun to understand why I truly reacted loudly in the face of pain and how I could walk away when my best friends yelped I stay when I was told by them, “I understand today why you reacted the way you did, as harsh as it was, and as much as it had upset me. It is because you had just come out of your own darkness. You suffered alone for so long, and made it through, and there I was asking to drag you to it all over again for my sake, if only because you’ll always be the stronger one that can triumph anything.”
I realized my mistake was the fact I continued to think I could spare people pain. I could not witness those I love drown themselves in an austere gutter that I had once been in, knowing how fine the line was between life and death. Because even “strong” me was so close to death one too many times, I wouldn’t want to risk their encounter. I wanted them to snap out of it- at least before their body’s start to fail them like mine did- forgetting that everyone unravels and brings conscious to their own darkness at their own pace. No matter how hard I tried, they needed to confront, feel, and manage it all mainly on their own if they were to reach true lasting healing. So, I chose to feed my faith, sending them thoughts, prayers, and healing energy and believing that one day soon they’ll at least see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I personally am still learning the balance. I remain addicted to giving. But thanks to my daily self-care/love rituals and routines for years now, I am also addicted to feeling naturally good and always high in energy- so I now have the strength to walk away from whatever vibe is negative to my wellbeing. I also no longer care how long I’ve known the person or where they stand in my life, I matter most. Many times we feel others our duty simply because they’ve been in our life forever, but it’s not true. It may seem selfish, but it has taken so much growth to reach this point. The reality at the end of every day is you cannot heal, fix, or change anyone- only they have that power.
I also don’t think there is anyone in this life that hasn’t felt lost, weak, betrayed, defeated, estranged, and broken at some point.
What most fail to see is that healers are regular people that need healing too. You’ll often find they value their time alone most because that is when they get to replenish what has been depleted from constantly giving to others. Try to overtake my time alone from me, and you risk losing me all together! I need my space, and often. If I allow company during these times it’s with animals, children, and the elderly.
As a healer, I can tell you one thing, I still never allow anyone to be there for me at my lowest and darkest. If there’s one thing I am very good at, it is sitting with my own pain and darkness and eventually, with time, patience, consciousness and compassion, working through it all. I always say, I’d hate to be among others when I’m not feeling good, because the only energy I wish to give out is that of positive light, hope, and joy.
But even having said that, know that healers live with this blind faith that one day someone may offer them the warmth they’ve been showering others in. Yet, in a world where people continually pour their burdens on them, disappoint, and let them down it is no wonder they have long befriended suffering in this life.
It is after all those with the biggest of hearts that suffer most.
It’s so easy for us as humans to lack faith in everything and everyone, including ourselves. No matter where you are in life right now, don’t question it. Certainly, never despair. Every arduous place you find yourself in is merely an opportunity for your benefit. The utmost blessing life gave me, was a lost self and broken heart at some point, no kidding.
Whatever you feel, be intimate with it. Sit with your feelings knowing they’re not you. It’s okay to be angry, jealous, or miserable. Breathe deep, step back, and look at what you’re going through from the lens of an observer. Know that, whatever seems like the biggest calamity is only so minor in the face of life’s one result: death.
Life’s too short to not live it at your best, and every day. It’s too short to not live it in love. Every minute of your day is a chance to turn it all around. A chance to grow. A chance to forgive. A chance to let love in again and experience it more than you ever have before. So be kind and loving, it’s all that really matters at the end.
Start with yourself. Be kind to yourself and practice self-love daily. See the beauty in you, only then will it reflect in your world regardless of how dark your days get.